Is Your Kindness True or False?
by FishyFish-R
Summary: How could this couple (chaos x Shion) realistically come into being? Heavily psychological. Pseudo-canon: the events happen along the canon events and span all three games. An alternative ending. Some angst, some comedy. Shion's psychological transformation explored, as well as some of chaos' issues.
1. Chapter 1

Shion was a busy and intelligent young woman. She buried herself in work she loved and didn't care to be distracted by any frivolous pursuits. She had had a boyfriend at one point, but unfortunately, that hadn't ended well. Her parents were dead and her brother was annoying, so she moved away from him to a small apartment next to her workplace. After the day of work was done, she usually stayed overtime instead of going back to her new home. After all, there was nobody there to come back to. And no, she didn't feel lonely. Not at all.

When she first met chaos, she was unimpressed. While he was younger than her and a polite, good-natured boy, the events that followed him were so crazy that it didn't even occur to her to think of him as a guy at first. She ignored that detail just like she ignored the same fact about Allen. And ignoring someone's gender usually meant that Shion wasn't interested.

That said; chaos did manage to impress her eventually, but in a different manner. In a valiant attempt to defend Cherenkov, he caused a Gnosis that had wandered into their ship to die by touch. Shion just stared. She stared and stared, having been left speechless. It was clear that chaos wasn't a regular human, but if that was the case, then who was he? He replied to her probing question so evasively that she knew it was pointless to pry. Besides, they had more pressing concerns, and a display of inhuman power was almost forgotten in the terrible mess that hectic day was.

Elsa happened to come under attack after the captain decided to pick up a half-cyborg man and a little girl from space. Apparently, helping people these days was risky business: the enemies of the duo followed them into the ship and breached it. To Shion's surprise, chaos joined her and KOS-MOS along the way to fight them off and make sure that the two strangers made it on their ship whole, rather than in small, bloody pieces. She briefly wondered why he cared enough to help, since everybody else on their team was fine with whatever happened to the pair, but she didn't give it all that much thought.

However, everything changed for her when the battles started. Usually, chaos wasn't very chatty, but in battles, he would express his thoughts in short lines to enemies. Soon, Shion understood why. She heard something unusual coming from his mouth, highly unusual for fights. He'd offer enemies a chance to surrender so that needless violence could be avoided. He'd wish for their souls to be reincarnated again, and he'd occasionally apologize for hitting them.

Shion couldn't quite grasp what had happened, but when they finally made it to the two strangers, her heart was pounding for reasons other than fighting. She could feel a vaguely familiar and pleasant feeling in her chest. She'd already enjoyed the experience of this emotion some time ago, but she didn't want it anymore! This young boy from the ship she'd soon leave and never see again, of all people? That was bad timing. That was stupid and couldn't last. At least, that's what Shion told herself and pointedly ignored chaos from then on.

In fact, she tried so hard that chaos noticed something wasn't right. He was puzzled but couldn't quite put his finger on why Shion was looking anywhere but at him, even when he was directly addressing her. He assumed she was tired, tense, or even just rude, but neither of those explanations rang true. It looked to him as if he had done something that unsettled Shion.

At the moment, they were stopped for a healing session, and while everyone was using med kits, Shion tried to figure out why chaos had captured her attention. She didn't really want to accept it, but perhaps she missed something in her life that she saw in him. Could it be that she missed kindness and care?

She sighed quietly. It sounded true enough, but being true made it look even more stupid. She'd eventually find someone kind and caring; there was no need to fall for a random stranger she'd never see again…

Although she thought so to herself, Shion realized that she didn't really believe that she'd find someone kind and caring in the future. She feared that realistically, she would not. People were egoistic creatures, and she was just like everybody else, but chaos was different...

"Stop," Shion thought, "Stop now. This stream of thought needs to stop!"

* * *

Some time passed, but the association of two Vector employees, Shion and Allen, with the Elsa crew, continued. Currently, they were docked for repairs and in search of Cherenkov who had wandered off somewhere without telling anybody.

To Shion's surprise and joy, chaos volunteered to go search for him along with her. That he was worried about a man who was pretty much a stranger to him pulled at her heartstrings. Was she reading too much into chaos, or did kind human beings actually exist? Shion was starting to feel paranoid. Maybe chaos merely wanted to breathe some fresh air and used the idea of helping Cherenkov as an excuse to go out. That would explain a lot. People tend to lie to look better to others.

"Hey, chaos," she called out to him amiably. "Why do you care for Cherenkov? You don't know him."

"He could get in trouble here," Chaos simply said, as if that explained his motivation. "He's wearing a military uniform, and people here hate the military…"

"I know," Shion interrupted, "but that's not what I'm asking. Why do you care what happens to him in the first place?"

"Don't you?"

"You're trying to evade the question," Shion accused him. "It doesn't matter what my motivation is, tell me about yours. Nobody else from the Elsa's crew gives a damn about him."

"And because I'm a part of the Elsa's crew, I should feel like the rest of them?" chaos shrugged. "We're all different, and I happen to care."

He glanced at her thoughtfully as they were walking, and Shion realized that he was picking up on the reasons behind her interrogation. Indeed, from her questions alone it would be obvious to an observant person that she didn't consider people to be naturally kind and harbored a lot of mistrust for their 'benevolent' intentions. Perhaps Shion was letting chaos know too much about her without intending to.

Shion felt embarrassed that someone could see so deep into her soul. She didn't want anybody to know her little insecurities. That felt unsafe, as if chaos could later use his knowledge in order to hurt her.

"Besides, you're mistaken about the Elsa crew," chaos said with a smile. "Hammer went outside to look for Cherenkov as well."

Shion felt stupid. Apparently, she didn't pay enough attention to notice Hammer going out. Naturally. Back then, her thoughts were overcome with someone else, specifically with someone who was currently strolling along…

"Hammer…" she started to say to distract herself.

As if on cue, Hammer suddenly appeared in front of them and stuttered something unintelligible about Cherenkov. He was shaking. It was obvious he'd found him and in some sort of emergency. Shion and chaos shared an eloquent glance and sprinted after Hammer.

* * *

More time passed, and still the two, Shion and chaos, weren't getting separated by destiny. Shion would marvel at that alone, if only she weren't too preoccupied to dwell on it now. They were currently fighting none other than Cherenkov who had transformed into a Gnosis.

After the fight was over, Shion felt weak in her knees. Tears ran down her face, and she slid to the ground, sobbing. There was something inherently wrong in killing a human being who was transformed into a monster against his own will. She could feel his loneliness at the moment of his death, almost like it was her own. Or maybe it really was hers? Shion couldn't tell any longer if she was crying for Cherenkov or herself.

Someone's hands touched her shoulders and Shion lifted her head just a bit. Chaos was lightly hugging her in a comforting way. Realizing that suddenly intensified the stream of her tears. She was touched and surprised and immensely grateful. She took one of his hands and squeezed it as if she was clinging to the only hope left in the world. She sensed more tears stream down her face, and this time some of them were tears of gratitude.

Everybody else stood around them silently, and Shion found that completely unbelievable. Did nobody else care for Cherenkov's fate? They just had to kill someone they were travelling with and they behave like nothing happened?

In Shion's mind, she was witnessing the callousness of people's hearts, but she knew she was the same as them. She only cared for Cherenkov because she saw herself in him.


	2. Chapter 2

There was nobody in the lounge except for the robot-chef, and Shion preferred it that way. She was poking her fork into an unappetizing mass on her plate, not willing to eat and not willing to leave. It was nice to be alone for a while rather than have to keep up an image of a strong young woman in the thick of things.

She felt irritated when the door to the lounge opened behind her. However, footsteps that resounded on the floor made her heart beat faster, for they could belong to nobody else but chaos.

"Can I join?" he asked, approaching her table.

Without waiting for a reply, he sat down in front of her. Shion stopped poking at her food and lifted her eyes at him. He was just sitting in silence and looking at her with a neutral expression.

"Did you come here to eat?" she asked. "If so, allow me to point out that you forgot to order food…"

"No, I just wanted to check up on you."

Shion stiffened. Stupid, stupid chaos. Why does he have to be so nice? Doesn't he realize what it's doing to her?

"Chaos is a nickname, isn't it?" She asked.

He nodded.

Shion didn't know how to deal with her crush on him and she was afraid that he'd read all these out-of-place emotions in her eyes. So to throw him off, she childishly launched an attack:

"It's rude to refuse to tell your real name to people you travel with," she said. "And it's rude to keep silent whenever asked for personal information. You behave like a spy."

During her speech Shion articulated with her hands for better emphasis, and the fork slipped through her fingers and noisily collapsed onto the floor. With a concerned expression, chaos disappeared under the table to retrieve it.

"I'm afraid it's not suitable for eating anymore." He said, eyeing the fork with a frown. "Let me help…"

He left the table, presumably to get a new fork, and Shion was left alone with her thoughts for a while. What a jerk, even after being accused of rudeness he's still trying to help!

By the time he came back Shion gave up on prodding him for information. Thanks to all her numerous previous attempts she knew it was useless and her desire to put on an irritated front evaporated quickly enough. Now she wanted to have a meaningful talk about life instead.

She took the new fork from him and put it next to the plate instead of poking her food with it. He went to so much effort to bring it here, after all. She wasn't going to eat anyway, and this way the fork would at least remain clean.

"I'm such a fake person," Shion confessed with a sigh. "When I cried for Cherenkov, I really cried for myself as if I was in his shoes."

Chaos studied her face, lifting his eyebrows a little. He looked puzzled.

"How does that make you fake?"

"I cared about myself, not him. If I cared for him, I wouldn't have to imagine that he was me."

"We all resonate with others like that," chaos offered. "Through feelings of our own. It's normal."

"No, it's fake compassion," Shion said stubbornly. "If I didn't feel lonely I wouldn't care for him dying alone like that. That means I didn't care for him at all, only for my own loneliness. He just happened to trigger that feeling, so I cried for myself…"

She paused and regretted that she said so much. Shion didn't want to admit even to her own self that she felt lonely, let alone to a stranger across the table she's going to forever part with so soon.

"All of us perceive others through our feelings," chaos insisted. "There is no other kind of resonance."

Shion felt desperate.

"Then there's no true kindness in this universe," she said. "And I don't want to live like that. I'd just be disappointed if that's all there was to everything."

Chaos looked confused.

"How does genuine kindness look like in your opinion?"

Shion gave it some thought.

"Like a strong feeling for someone else, without a single thought of me," she finally said. "A strong desire to care, a strong concern, and my own ego is forgotten in that feeling of wanting to make another human being happy and protect him from pain…"

"We can see the world through our eyes only," chaos said softly. "And we can never get rid of ourselves, unless we die. The way you put it, having an ego sounds like a crime. Yet without it we wouldn't exist."

Shion wondered if her crush on chaos was genuine. But she couldn't say that aloud, so she decided to cover for it by talking about her love towards her ex-boyfriend instead.

"I used to have a boyfriend," she shared. "But I realized that I never really loved him. I had a crush on him, and that was such an intense, pleasant feeling. Being together with him made me feel great, that's what I loved. Not him. Just the feeling that being together with him gave me..."

And that was happening again now, Shion thought. Her crush on chaos was so impossibly fake. She fell for his kindness, and her heart now helplessly thumped in her chest, but she didn't really know him at all. How could she be in love with a stranger? Obviously it was fake. Her body's chemistry was playing tricks on her, and what she enjoyed about it was that intense, unique pleasant feeling that it provided. She couldn't really appreciate chaos, could she? She didn't know him well enough.

"When we look at the world," chaos patiently explained. "We look through our own two eyes. We carry a part of us whenever we go. "

"But we only care for that part," Shion said. "Caring never reaches further. We only care for ourselves, instead of caring for others without caring for us…"

"Why is it either black or white?" chaos shook his head. "Shion, that's a false dichotomy. Not only are we capable of caring both for ourselves and others, but if you didn't care for yourself, how would you ever be able to care for someone else? Your ego is a person just like everyone else. The way you treat it is exactly the way you treat others."

Shion wanted to object so much that she stood up from her seat.

"It's possible to love yourself but not give a damn for anybody else," she said forcefully. "It's called egoism."

"Do such people really love themselves?"

"Why else do they cheat and betray others, if not for their own gain?"

Chaos shook his head. Shion sat down again and stared at her untouched plate. She didn't want to look at him. They were discussing a serious topic, and she feared that she'd forget how to speak if she looked at him. Or that her crush would be too obvious.

"If a person is at peace with himself," chaos said. "Or herself… Or if a person has compassion towards himself… He wouldn't want to hurt others. It's done out of fear, out of hurt feelings, out of unconscious revenge, but there's no love towards self in it."

"Humans…" a voice buzzed. "So incomprehensible…"

Shion and chaos both turned their heads towards the source of words. Robot-chef was muttering his opinions to himself, apparently greatly confused with their conversation.

"Maybe you're right," Shion gave up. "I need to think it all over on a better day. Besides, who'd know what it means to be kind better than you…"

She stood up to leave. Indeed, chaos seemed genuinely kind in her opinion. He wasn't just dramatically throwing a crying fit over one single human being, unlike herself over Cherenkov, he was always attentive to the needs of others. That made his kindness ring true in Shion's eyes. It was an all-pervasive, natural trait in his behavior. Chaos was genuinely kind, an ideal human being.

"You're an ideal human…" Shion sighed.

Chaos turned to her in his seat and stared. She continued to stand without moving, regretting that it's going to be over so soon. Once they land on the Second Miltia she won't ever see chaos again. And if not, then there's no reason to avoid doing a crazy thing like…

She bent over him and kissed him on the lips. Just something sweet as a goodbye memory.

"Humans!" the voice buzzed incredulously.

Startled, Shion jolted and quickly ran away from the lounge. Her cheeks burnt. She cursed herself for running away like a schoolgirl. There was no need to feel embarrassed, it was just kissing, a normal activity for humans to engage in. Except that chaos was so young, probably illegal and she most likely stole his first kiss. Shion felt old at twenty two. However, it didn't slip her attention that chaos didn't move away when she had kissed him.

He was merely surprised, she told herself. Too surprised to move.


	3. Chapter 3

Currently everybody was spending their time at the Kukai Foundation, thanks to "the little master" picking them up on his massive Durandal ship. Elsa was undergoing repairs once again- what an unlucky ship, and Shion was seated at a deserted table alone in the room, thinking.

Today the primary reason of her worries was the discovery that whoever was touched by a Gnosis and survived always turned into a Gnosis eventually, just like Cherenkov. Shion couldn't shake off the feeling of terror. She was touched some time ago and she survived that. Did that mean that she was going to turn and be killed by her own allies? That was not the end she was hoping for.

The door slid open, and Shion tensed, detecting her co-worker Allen. Was it her imagination or was he popping up a bit too frequently around her? He appeared to be worried, but Shion dismissed all his questions about her "gloomy state". She was surprised he could read her so easily, but she wasn't going to burden anyone else with her dread.

"Is something bothering you?" Allen asked hopefully. "I'd be more than happy to listen…"

The door slid open once again, and the ever energetic Jr. ran into the room.

"Hey Shion!" he screamed happily, totally ignoring Allen's existence. "Let's go out and play! I'll wait for you over at the shuttle launch, so hurry, okay? See ya there!"

He ran out of the door, leaving Shion puzzled. Go out and play? That said, she might benefit from a little distraction right now. She stood up and hurriedly left the room. Allen followed her, and Shion found herself too polite to break it to him that by the look of things he was not invited.

* * *

Jr.'s idea of going out and playing turned out to be a beach party.

While Jr. himself engaged in playing ball with MOMO, Shion chose to relax in the shade of the umbrella. Soon she felt exasperated: it was impossible to avoid staring at topless chaos who was watching the ball game. She didn't consider that before coming here! It was more than enough that she molested an underage kid with a kiss, and now she was staring at him topless, to boot? However, Shion's exasperation soon transformed into serenity. If she's going to die, it's not like such petty concerns matter. Why, even if chaos catches her staring…

Bored with the ball game, chaos turned to Shion and caught her staring. She quickly pulled out her small PC and did everything she could to appear busy and working. Maybe such petty concerns matter, after all. Shion didn't want to die and be remembered as a lecherous older girl. Besides, that would be unfair: she wasn't being lecherous! She was worried that chaos wearing only his trousers looked like a starved skeleton.

Shion opened KOS-MOS' profile and tried to figure her out one more time. There was a lot she didn't know about her. After Shion's ex-boyfriend died, there was nobody left who'd know everything about KOS-MOS. Shion sighed. She still mourned that loss.

"You should come play with them," a familiar voice said. "We may not have an opportunity to relax any time soon, and it would be a pity to waste it."

Shion froze when chaos' hand touched her shoulder. That was too much. Apparently the boy did enjoy their kiss, after all. But Shion wasn't that kind of girl. She wouldn't be his "tutor" in things like that… What she ultimately wanted was a connection to another human being, not just a physical game.

"Little boy, don't you go touching older girls in swimsuits!" she said sternly to him. "You could land them in a jail. Wait for your time to come in a few years, but for now go play with the beach ball. You're too small for a different kind of game."

Chaos raised his eyebrows in surprise and suddenly laughed.

Shion found it odd. He was amused with something that didn't sound at all amusing. Perhaps he found something funny in it she couldn't see, but she didn't appreciate being laughed at.

"I'm not at all young, to be honest," he said. "Appearances are deceptive."

Shion rolled her eyes. _Dream on, chaos, dream on_.

"But I admit," he continued. "That there is a considerable age gap between us. Perhaps I should be the one worried. You're so innocent and sad."

"Now you're making even less sense…"

Shion sighed. He did pick up one thing correctly: she was sad, indeed. A shadow fell upon her, and she registered Allen stopping nearby. He shot a resentful look at chaos.

"What's the matter, Chief?" Allen said sulkily. "You didn't come down to the beach just to talk to chaos all day, did you?"

"Come on, Shion!" MOMO joined in with a pair of puppy eyes. "Why don't you come and play with us?"

"Sorry. I'm a little tired, so maybe I'll rest at a Hotel in City Sector 27. I'll come back to the Durandal tomorrow when I'm rested and we can take off."

* * *

At the hotel, Shion laid down on a big bed and tried to relax. It wasn't easy, considering today's realization about her imminent death. The conversation with chaos, as inane as it was, helped her forget about it for a while. But now she was alone again.

Shion closed her eyes. What did she even have to say for her life, was there any meaning in it? With some regret, she found that if she were to die tomorrow she wouldn't care, for there was nothing valuable enough in her life to afraid of losing. She didn't mind dying all that much.

Opening her eyes and staring at the ceiling, she tried to understand what it was that she was missing. Shouldn't she be happy? She had a great job, great income, she worked with KOS-MOS and loved it… For her to feel that life is hollow there must be something lacking. The feeling had started with the loss of her parents and boyfriend, all this time she just buried herself in her work to ignore it. And all this time she managed to ignore it successfully.

But she could secretly admit it to herself, in the face of death. Somehow she felt a very strong urge to have someone beside her at all times, someone whom she would love and who'd care for her back. She wasn't exactly thinking of a new friendship or romance. It was rather something undefined, something deeper than her connection to her ex-boyfriend or her parents was. She wanted for her home to be a place where someone else is, someone whom she would love. She didn't want to be all alone in her room there. She wanted to have a very strong bond with someone who'd be there for her at all times: every day, every night.

Shion sighed. She didn't know what was going on with her anymore: instead of being scared of death she was suffering because there was no person as close as that in her life.

It was not even about a romantic bond, because Shion already learned that ultimately what they called "love" was something of a hormonal storm and then it was over. She experienced that with her ex. "Love" was like being addicted, and while it was nice, it was so short and overrated. What she wanted now was something very different, something a lot more real.

She didn't know if she was even making sense now. That was such a stupid desire to harbor for someone who was going to die. There was no way such a desire would ever come true. If anything, there was simply not enough time. _Why is it that I have it? I want to stop wanting impossible things and feel alright again. I don't want to want something unachievable._

Knowing that pain is always over, no matter how strong, she kept waiting till it's over. Minutes and hours passed, but it wouldn't let go. _What is the problem? I want to retreat back to my normal mode of functioning again_.

There was a knock on the door. Shion didn't want to see anyone, and it was probably room service anyway. She ignored it. But she stood up and poured herself a glass of wine. Perhaps getting a little drunk would make her forget.

The knocking continued stubbornly. Shion sipped a little wine and felt irritated. Surely whoever it was could have some decency to leave her alone! Knock-knock.

"What do you need?!" She threw the door open in a militant manner.

Behind it she found modestly smiling chaos with a box that looked suspiciously like a box of chocolates. Shion stared. Now who was pursuing who? The little boy didn't know when to give up.

"I bought you a set of very nice chocolates they make here at the Kukai Foundation," he said, walking in without an invitation. "Chocolate is good for you when you're sad."

Shion suddenly became very cognizant of the fact that she still hadn't changed out of her swimsuit. She stammered a vague excuse and locked herself in the bathroom.

When she came out in a dress, chaos had already poured a second glass of wine for himself and opened a chocolate box. He seated himself on a sofa.

"Are you aware it's 9PM now?" Shion asked, trying to sound indignant, but being secretly very pleased. "What are you doing here so late?"

"Bringing over the chocolates", chaos said simply. "Sorry for being so late, it took me a lot of time to hunt them down. I had to run everywhere around this place to find them. Apparently they've stopped the production of this particular brand, and this one is the last box in existence. Take a bite, you'll love it."

Shion sat down cautiously on the opposite end of the sofa. What would you think if someone came to you with sweets late in the evening? Shion thought the same.

"Yeah right," she said suspiciously. "And now you'll tell me there was nothing extra on your mind."

"There wasn't," chaos confirmed. "I plead innocent! You were so sad lately, especially today, that I couldn't just leave you alone without trying to cheer you up."

He sounded incredibly honest. Shion discovered that she didn't know which version of the truth she found more insulting: that he had something extra on his mind or that he hadn't.

She picked up a chocolate from the small table and tasted it. So this box was the last one in existence? How fitting for her mood and thoughts about death.


	4. Chapter 4

It was ten o'clock in the evening. Half of the chocolate box had been eaten, all wine consumed. Shion was stretched on a sofa, her head in chaos' lap. Oh no, reign in those dirty thoughts, nothing had been going on. It's just that such a rarely tried substance as alcohol, even as weak as wine, made Shion feel sleepy fast. And chaos, being a compassionate soul, couldn't just leave without giving Shion some psychological therapy, so he stayed around. They haven't got to the relevant part of their conversation yet.

"I've waited patiently for half an hour," chaos said out loud. "But now it's time to wake up, we don't have all night."

Shion stirred in her sleep and opened her eyes. It took a moment for her to register her surroundings and chaos' lap below. A look of surprise crept up on her face, then a look of delight, and she promptly put her head back on his lap, pretending to still be asleep. Chaos laughed.

"Suddenly I remembered something funny," he said, so that Shion wouldn't guess he was laughing at her reactions. That would no doubt embarrass her, even if it was all in good fun.

He tickled her neck, so that she couldn't pretend to be asleep for a long time.

"What's your real name?" Shion said abruptly, getting up.

"First, we need to continue… You wanted to tell me something 'very important' before you fell asleep."

"No, first you tell me your real name. I've been telling you all my secrets, and you can't even share your name? That doesn't inspire trust."

"You must promise that you're going to keep it to yourself," chaos said resignedly.

Shion perked up and nodded with all sincerity she could master.

"Yeshua. I wouldn't call it 'real' per se, but it's my first name."

"Wait a minute… Another fake first name?" Shion started feeling angry.

"No, it was first. The very _first_ first name. They called me like that when I was bo… when I appeared in this world."

Shion eyed him suspiciously but decided to give it a pass. So Yeshua it is. She moved away to another edge of the sofa, a semi-conscious defensive gesture, and considered what she should tell him. Should she talk about her imminent death? No, she didn't want pity. Loneliness? That sounded equally pitiful, but not nearly as ominous, and she really wanted to find a fix for it before she died.

"I…" she started. "I'm embarrassed to say this, but I feel like being in our group is not enough for me. I feel like I'm alone."

Shion tried to look anywhere else but at chaos. She felt like she was weak for having such strange emotions, she thought she should be stronger than that. And she always was, wasn't she? Or was she just suppressing these emotions well enough until the last stroke, the news of her own death, hit her?

There was a long pause. Chaos didn't interrupt it, he waited for Shion to continue.

"I want a different kind of connection," she explained. "Stronger than that. I don't know how to word it properly… I want someone to be with me at all times and to feel like our bond exists even if we aren't together, to cherish that person and to be cherished back… And I'm not talking about a romantic bond in particular, in fact, I don't know what I'm talking about."

"You're talking about love," chaos said. "Not necessarily romantic love, just love in general."

Shion was surprised to hear that, but after giving it some thought, she realized he was right.

"Then why is it suddenly lacking?" she asked.

"It's an interesting question whether it really is lacking as 'suddenly' as you think."

Shion sighed.

"Alright, so maybe it's been lacking all the time before and I didn't realize… But why weren't my friends enough to cover for these feelings? Like Miyuki, my friend from work."

"Apparently that friendship didn't make you feel loved and appreciated," chaos said. "Or it did, but not nearly enough."

Shion suddenly felt very embarrassed again. Here she was, with a guy she admired for his kind character traits, talking about her own misery. She was sure it didn't make her sound attractive to him.

"I'm so pathetic!" she lamented. "I should be strong enough to not need things like that."

"Everybody needs a strong connection to another human being. It's natural."

"Then why isn't everybody around agonizing over being lonely or something?"

"Why do you think that everybody who is lonely is aware of that?" He shrugged. "You weren't aware of it yourself, either. Until now. I suppose something happened to make you aware of that…"

He looked at Shion questioningly. She looked back, but didn't hurry to reply. It was very tempting to tell him that she was going to die soon, but she was afraid that she'd shame herself in front of him by starting to cry about it. Then again, she didn't feel so terrified of death at the moment. She felt like life was so meaningless that she really wouldn't care.

"You know," she said. "If I was to die now, I wouldn't care."

"Your life seems so empty without a strong connection that you don't even want it?"

"Yeah…"

Shion couldn't understand how someone as young as chaos could grasp her emotions so well. He should be a stupid idiot about things like that judging by his age, but he wasn't.

"Have you ever felt lonely?" she asked.

"I've lost a lot of people."

That was the first piece of personal information, except for his real name, that chaos ever shared.

"Why don't you ever talk about your past and your losses?"

"I prefer to listen. Besides, talking about loss only makes people feel sad. I don't want to make them feel sad by having them listen to my sorrows."

"But that's just wrong. You're listening to mine. It has to make you feel sad."

"I can bear that."

"And I can't? If you were to tell me about your own sorrows."

Chaos went silent, and in a while Shion realized that he would not reply. She felt like apart from wishing to avoid dumping his sorrows on others, there was some other reason for chaos to keep everything to himself.

"I'm going to die," she suddenly said, surprising herself. "But it's not like I care at the moment."

Chaos moved closer and took her hand.

"Why do you say this? What happened?"

"Ah…" Shion clasped his hand tightly, enjoying the moment despite the gravity of the discussed topic. "I was touched by a Gnosis once, on the Woglinde. I'm going to end up like Cherenkov..."

"Maybe you won't."

"Yes, I will. Gaignun said that absolutely everybody who was touched by a Gnosis eventually turned into one of them."

Chaos hugged Shion in a comforting manner. She relaxed in his arms, both sad and delighted at the same time. Maybe she could flirt him up and have a nice night? _No way_ , Shion thought, _I don't want to be romanced out of pity_. So she just hugged him back innocently, like a child.

"Chaos… no, Yeshua, will you watch me?" Shion asked. "I'd like to be killed before I kill someone else as a Gnosis. And if it's you, then I think I won't mind that much."

"Alright…" He said softly. "But you shouldn't lose hope. A lot of time has passed since you were at the Woglinde, and nothing has happened yet."

Shion smiled. It was nice of him to try to instill some hope into her, but she really doubted that she'd be an exception from the rule. She was just a regular human, after all.

"You aren't a regular human, right?" she asked him, still resting in his arms. "Regular humans don't destroy Gnosis by touch. What are you?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. So there's little point in doing that."

"Try me!"

"Alright. I'm six thousand years old and I have the power to destroy the galaxy."

Shion pulled back to look at his face. How did he manage to look so dead serious telling a joke? She laughed until she felt tears well up in her eyes. He smiled back somewhat sadly.

"You're such a joker!" Shion exclaimed. "Honestly, it would be better of you to remain silent than to make up such ridiculous bullshit."

"I did as you asked." chaos shrugged morosely. "I tried you. With one hundred percent certainty that I'd know your reaction beforehand."


	5. Chapter 5

"Why don't you talk seriously for once!" Shion complained. "I've been baring my soul here and in response you can only joke about having power over the galaxy, like a little dumb kid who'd watched too many heroic cartoons. This is so disrespectful."

Chaos sighed.

"I'm sorry, but I can't help it," he said pleadingly. "I wish I weren't upsetting people whenever they ask for my personal information, but they always get upset, whichever approach I choose."

He looked genuinely sad, but Shion was too irritated to take that into account.

"Did it occur to you," she asked in a demanding voice. "That maybe it's normal for people to get upset when they're refused a common courtesy? And it's common courtesy to share some facts about yourself, for Christ's sake! It's very insulting when you don't."

"I'm sorry, but I have my reasons."

"And what reasons would those be?"

Chaos was silent, and Shion stood up from the sofa to look down on him. She learnt that trick at work: being a chief of the R&D Division, she had to command respect. The trick didn't work with chaos, however, he just looked up at her innocently and shrugged in an apologizing way. If anybody else walked into the room, they'd think that Shion was a bully.

"Speak!" Shion demanded and frowned.

"I already told you my reasons… But I should've evaded the question altogether, you'd be so much less upset if I did."

"Argh! You're unbearable! Are you stupid or something?!"

For a moment Shion considered the possibility that chaos really was stupid. It didn't occur to her before. They had a deep conversation about kindness the other day, and he was such a good listener this evening. Could he really be stupid? In any case, the image of a perfect angel that Shion painted in her mind was ruined. It turned out that the angel had his flaws.

"Get out, chaos." Shion said through her teeth. "Or else I'll beat you up, and they'll lock me up for child abuse."

Chaos showed a little smile, as if he really did found her angry joke funny, stood up and left the room.

Shion shut the door behind him with a loud bang. Then she picked up his box with half of the chocolates still intact and dumped it into the trashcan. Then she went to the door again, opened it thoughtfully, and shut it again. Was she acting silly? She might die in an hour, even in a few minutes, and the last thing she'd have done in her life would be to feel angry instead of having a pleasant conversation… or more.

She opened the door again and looked into the corridor. It was empty by now. Shion felt conflicted, but she didn't want to lose her dignity running after chaos, so she shut the door again and felt even more upset than before.

Were today an ordinary day she knew she'd have felt justified in her anger. But now that her time was running out, she suddenly felt it was a mistake to get angry with people's flaws. Everybody had them. She had them. It was unfair to expect chaos to be perfect.

* * *

The next day proved to be the most hectic of all days in Shion's whole life. Once everybody gathered at the Durandal eager to finally travel to the Second Miltia, the Kukai Foundation suddenly went up all over the news. And as it turned out, they couldn't lift off, since the whole Kukai Foundation got framed for attacking the Federation Fleet and was placed under arrest. It was a blatant lie, a videotape clearly but masterfully misused.

After some brainstorming, everybody realized they could use a video recording inside of KOS-MOS to prove their innocence, but in order to copy it they'd have to commit an Encephalon dive. And after much running around – including breaking out from under the arrest, boarding the Elsa illegally, and violating the Vector company's protocols many times - Shion and others finally got access to everything they needed for that Encephalon dive.

At the end of the day Shion felt too exhausted to think about all that transpired. But one single event was burnt into her memory: meeting that red-haired girl in a gown during the dive. She thought about it more, trying to remember every detail as vividly as possible…

…There she was after a dive, alone and separated from the others, standing in front of what looked like the playground she used to play at in her childhood.

"I've waited for you for a long time," the red-haired girl said mysteriously.

"Waited?" she asked and turned around, sensing someone's presence. "For… us? Allen? Chaos?"

That was the first time she noticed that she was not, in fact, alone. The two were standing right behind her.

"Chief…? Where are we?" Allen asked as helplessly as ever.

As used that Shion was to be in the lead, she didn't know how to properly start answering that question. The place brought back so many memories. For starters, it looked exactly like her home planet Miltia. But before Shion could formulate her response, the girl took her hand. Curious, Shion turned to look at her.

A few times before that very girl appeared in front of her and each time she mystified her immensely. At times Shion thought she was either insane or stressed out from work and lack of sleep so much that she was hallucinating. But now she was curious to see how her hallucination, this manifestation of her own subconsciousness, would behave inside of an Encephalon. Maybe the nature of this hallucination would clear up this time.

"I am… Nephilim," the girl said. "That's what I've been called. Ever since I existed in this form…"

* * *

Being inside of the memory of her home planet didn't do Shion any good. She felt upset. That was where her ex-boyfriend was killed in the process of trying to save her life. That was so far from a pleasant memory, that was something she tried hard to forget.

She looked at her companions. Now that they settled down to talk, Allen was seated on the fence. Chaos stood much closer to Shion, leaning against the small column that supported the swing she was sitting on. Allen looked as confused as ever, while chaos wore an unreadable expression that Shion couldn't penetrate. She regretted the silly way they parted the other day.

"Joyful memories form only one half of the whole," Nephilim said cryptically. "Only when they are combined together with the other half, can your consciousness truly take form. You must accept the entirety of your memories."

That sounded like psychoanalytical kind of crap to Shion. And not just any psychoanalytical, but perhaps the Jungian variety, as by far not all psychoanalysists would advise digging up painful memories as the best approach. Yet Shion, who considered Nephilim to be a manifestation of her own subconsciousness, listened to her intently. For some reason her subconsciousness thought it was a good idea to relive the pain. Maybe that's what she had to do before her death would come to grasp her in its clutches? Then she could die in peace.

"Why must I do this?" Shion asked carefully.

"KOS-MOS is waiting for you there." The girl pointed inside of the building in front of them.

It was a strange thing to say, and Shion doubted that there was any connection between her question and KOS-MOS. Still, she decided to trust the manifestation of her own subconsciousness and headed inside of the building. Allen trotted along.

In a few steps they reached the building and entered. Shion paused when she heard Nephilim speak to chaos who was staying behind for now.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" the girl's voice asked. "There is no turning back."

Shion didn't close the door behind herself completely, so she could hear her words well. She put her finger to her lips, signaling for Allen to stay silent and continued listening with curiosity.

"I know…" chaos' voice said. "But Shion… is vital to her."

"And to you as well?"

Shion felt incredibly confused by the conversation her subconciousness was having with chaos. Who was "her"? And why was her subconsciousness so stupidly hoping that chaos had feelings for Shion and was shameless enough to openly ask him? Just as Shion expected, chaos didn't reply to the question. She felt embarrassed of her own subconsciousness asking a direct question like this. And sad. It would be nice indeed if her rapid crush was reciprocated with an equally rapid crush. But such convenient things only happened in the movies.

* * *

After a lot of running around and a lot of fighting, which caused more Shion's memories to surface in an unpleasant matter, thankfully reached KOS-MOS and were free to leave the Encephalon.

"Chief!" Allen screamed once they found themselves back on the ship. "I'm so relieved you're ok!"

He ran up to Shion and hugged her tight. She felt awkward. It was so obvious that Allen had a long time crush on her, yet Shion felt nothing towards him, so in general she pretended that she didn't know about his feelings. But she felt guilty every time she was faced with them. She wondered if that was how chaos felt about her.

* * *

In the evening of that hectic day Shion decided to go seek out chaos. She thought long and hard about the way they parted before and his wild claims and drew some unexpected conclusions. Why didn't she realize that before? She absolutely had to talk to chaos now.

As she approached the living rooms, she suddenly noticed that chaos was outside with Allen. Sitting on the bench, they were chatting. Shion knew how impolite it was to eavesdrop, but she couldn't contain her curiosity, so she tiptoed over and hid nearby. There she was, a chief of an R&D Division, crouching behind the bushes to listen in on two guys... Oh the things you do for love!

"No matter what happens," Allen was complaining to chaos. "She never shares her pain with anyone."

Shion realized they were no doubt talking about her. Naturally, Allen didn't know she'd shared her pain yesterday with someone else, and chaos didn't hurry to inform him. But indeed, she never talked about anything personal with Allen. He seemed so fragile to her, like a broken toy, and she was afraid to say anything that would traumatize him.

"It's times like these when I'm reminded that I'm nothing but a subordinate to her," Allen continued. "I wish I could take her tears away. Maybe… someday?"

"You won't, Allen," chaos said. "Never… And it's better to give up and let go than torment yourself. Life is too beautiful to waste it clinging to someone you're never going to have."

"Cruel of you to say!" Allen complained. "You don't know a thing about us!"

It was painful to hear that outburst of Allen's anguish, but Shion found herself delighted with chaos' response. Now why would he say so confidently that Allen would never have her? Did he plan to have her himself? Shion slapped herself in exasperation. _Stop dreaming, Shion_.


	6. Chapter 6

Having tiptoed back to chaos' door, Shion waited. Judging by the looks of things, they'll be done talking with Allen soon. She hoped chaos would go back to his room and nobody around would start wondering why she's been hanging around his door.

Fortunately for Shion, her hopes were justified. In around five minutes chaos appeared walking towards his room. Apparently Allen wasn't very happy to talk to him now that he'd heard his advice to forget about Shion.

"Hey," Shion greeted chaos. "I'm here!"

That sounded lame, so she suppressed her anxiety with all her force of will and tried again.

"I need to tell you something," she said in a more dignified way. "In private."

Chaos gave her a strange look, something in between suspicion and curiosity, and opened his door, ushering her in.

After walking in, Shion sat on the chair and fidgeted. Chaos sat on the bed and looked at her expectantly.

"I thought about what you said the other day," Shion said. "And I realized I was unfair to you. I apologize for being rude and telling you to get out, and for dumping the rest of your chocolates into a trashcan…"

Chaos laughed, and Shion realized she didn't really have to tell him that little detail. Well, at least he was amused with her deed rather than being shocked or outraged by it.

"It's ok," chaos said soothingly. "Don't worry about it. I didn't take it close to heart."

Shion felt vaguely insulted. So he didn't take it close to heart? Did that mean that he didn't care what she felt towards him at all, even if that was anger or hate?

"Oh, I didn't mean it that way!" chaos hurriedly said, apparently having very little difficulty reading emotions on her face. "I was sad about it, but I was sad about the whole situation, not insulted by you in particular. Such things always happen whenever I refuse to share…"

"Ah, about that..." Shion looked at chaos with pity. "I'm so sorry, chaos, but you really need help. I should've realized it sooner."

He lifted his eyebrows in surprise.

"You need professional medical help," Shion insisted. "You were serious the other day, weren't you? About superpowers and your monumental age? I thought you were joking, but once I started replaying our conversation in my mind, I realized you were serious at the time. Chaos, you will certainty disagree with me now, but please, listen to me: you're having delusions. There is a medical facility on the Durandal, let's go there right now, ok?"

She paused when chaos doubled over with laughter. She'd never seen him laugh with such abandon before. That made her both happy and sad. He clearly didn't trust a word she was saying.

"Allow me to help you!" Shion implored. "Delusions are well treated with certain medicines."

She stood up from her chair and sat down on the bed nearby, giving chaos a hug, an act of both compassion and selfishness, as naturally she enjoyed it immensely. She surprised herself with how little she cared for his ruined image. She started from having a crush on an angel and ended up having it on a deluded guy who refused to see the truth. And yet the crush didn't dissipate midway. It was strange. Crushes usually ended as soon as the godlike image of the one you were crushing on received a sizable blemish. That was Shion's school experience. It was slightly different with her actual ex-boyfriend, Kevin, but then again, his image never really suffered too much…

"Thank you for caring, Shion," chaos finally said. "I'm deeply touched."

He looked thoughtful, as if he was trying to decide what was best to say next. Shion still didn't let go of him, but he didn't look embarrassed or bothered with being hugged by a girl. Shion herself was starting to feel embarrassed, and she couldn't help but wonder why he was so calm about things like that. As if indeed he was much older and had seen and felt so much that kisses or hugs or someone's oh so obvious crush on him were very little, ordinary things that didn't elicit strong reactions.

Shion sighed inwardly. Of course, it couldn't be age, so maybe his illness was producing this unusual sense of calm, this serenity? It had to feel good, but illness was illness, and she had to convince him to deal with his illness somehow.

"Please, closer, Shion," chaos finally said in an amused voice. "This just isn't close enough."

Shion felt her face redden at the joking invitation. She pulled back and moved slightly away from chaos. That was such an incredibly awkward situation. Her crush was so obvious that she felt ashamed and she wanted to die from the embarrassment right then and there. Usually the situation was the polar opposite: boys were pining for her, like Allen. Shion pitied Allen. Now that she was in his shoes, she could understand his pain all that much better.

"There's no need to feel so anxious," chaos said. "These are natural human emotions and desires. But if you find it so hard to act on them yourself, I can help out…"

He moved closer, and Shion stood up. She made a few hurried steps away.

"It's unfair," chaos said with an air of incredulity. "You do whatever you want and I don't object, but once I try something, you run away. Wait a minute, since you're from Miltia… The cultures differ wildly, but if I'm not mistaken, on Miltia it's a custom for a man to approach a woman, not vice versa? Then I can understand your running away behavior. It's supposed to induce a chase."

Shion froze. This was getting more awkward by every new minute…

"According to your culture, I must be the one to woo you, right?" chaos said thoughtfully. "Sorry, there've been so many cultures in this world that I don't entirely remember all the details of their wooing rituals, and I might make silly mistakes…"

Shion couldn't tell if he was flirting with her or laughing at her. How could he be unsure about Miltian culture? Miltia used to be one of the most technologically advanced and well-known planets in the Federation, and many other planets faithfully copied its culture. Yet he sounded as if he'd seen so many different cultures that he could actually forget the details.

"Right, right." Shion rolled her eyes, playing along jokingly. "On Miltia, to woo a woman you have to behave heroically. And if you want to marry, you better execute a heroic deed! Like saving someone's life. Women are supposed to be impressed and swoon over things like that."

Surprisingly, chaos looked like he bought it.

"Alright," he said seriously. "I'll keep that in mind. Thank you for telling me."

From what Shion knew of chaos, it wasn't like him to tease people cruelly, so he was mostly likely flirting in this strange manner. Or…

"Oh, I know what you're doing!" Shion pointed an accusatory finger at him. "You're trying to distract me, so that I'd forget about the most important matter at hand! Let's go to the medical facility!"

She pushed the door open, grabbed chaos' hand and tried to drag him out of the room. Suddenly a distant voice started singing melodiously.

"No!" chaos exclaimed at once. "That song! They mustn't allow it to play!"

Many sounds suspiciously resembling distant explosions wafted through the air, as if something was exploding rapidly outside of the Durandal. Shion and chaos exchanged glances and ran to the bridge, the matter of the medical facility entirely forgotten for now.

"The Gnosis are closing in!" Jr. screamed to them emotionally as soon as they stepped onto the bridge five minutes later. "Civilians! Start evacuating them immediately!"

* * *

Indeed, that was the most hectic day ever. As if rescuing civilians wasn't hard enough, MOMO got abducted in the process by a crazily laughing blonde Gaignun twin who presented himself as Albedo. And it still wasn't enough to take back MOMO from him and force him to stop playing the 'song' that apparently summoned the Gnosis. As turned out, the cackling villain had another ace up his sleeve: he summoned a huge device in the outer space and was planning to crash it into the Second Miltia.

"That bastard!" said Jr. with everybody standing around him on the bridge. "He has too many tricks up his sleeve!"

"We have to do something," Shion said, worried. "If something as large as this impacts Second Miltia at full speed…"

And they got busy getting into the giant device and disassembling it into the sub-compartments from the control room.

* * *

Flying back to safety on the Elsa, Shion couldn't contain her grief: after everything was done, KOS-MOS was left behind! She was all that Shion had as a link to her past. Her parents were gone, her boyfriend dead, but KOS-MOS was a thread that always connected her to her own past life. Kevin was working on KOS-MOS, and Shion continued to work on her after his demise. She was merely a robot, but for Shion she meant so much more. An entire legacy of her past, an entire memory of it.

"Captain, please go back!" she screamed desperately. "KOS-MOS is still inside!"

"Are you crazy?! We're leaving, now!"

"You can't…!"

Shion ran hastily to the door of the ship that was still left open and stared outside, tears in her eyes. The only link to her past was going to perish out there. She stared and stared, with desperate hope... until she saw KOS-MOS running after the Elsa at impossible speed. That was amazing! A miracle of miracles.

"Jump up here!" Shion screamed happily.

She reached her hand out, and KOS-MOS, with her outstanding technological body, managed a huge jump upwards. She successfully grabbed onto Shion's hand. However, Shion quickly found herself too weak to drag KOS-MOS' weighty metal body inside of the ship. She panicked.

A hand in a black glove grabbed KOS-MOS' other hand, and together they dragged her inside of the Elsa. Shion and chaos immediately collapsed on the floor from the effort of dragging KOS-MOS in.

"KOS-MOS, I really ought to put you on a diet," Shion joked, immensely relieved. "Thank goodness…"

She hugged KOS-MOS tenderly, then turned around and kissed chaos with gratitude. He didn't move away, this time he responded.

"Thanks," she said happily and winked. "You've definitely executed a heroic deed today. That's a big step in the Miltian wooing ritual!"

Shion laughed contently. Life was beautiful. Perhaps it was going to be shorter than she always expected, but every moment of it was worth living.

* * *

End of Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille Zur Macht


	7. Chapter 7

In the spaceport on Second Miltia, where the Elsa had finally descended to, the whole group walked together to the exit.

"Ahhh, it's so good to be alive!" Allen stretched his hands out happily. "The crazy stuff that Chief pulls always keeps me on edge…"

"You make it sound like it was all my fault."

Shion paused and frowned at him, but her thoughts were occupied by another matter.

"Oh… That's not what I meant!"

"Hey!" Jr. interrupted. "We're gonna head over to the government office now. What are you all gonna do, Shion?"

As usual, he ignored the existence of Allen and only addressed Shion. She couldn't help but smile.

"We need to hand over KOS-MOS," she said and worriedly glanced over to chaos. "I think I'll wander off to Vector's Second Division…"

"Maybe we can meet up later?" chaos injected hopefully.

"That'd be great!" Shion beamed with relief. The budding romance nearly ended before it started.

"Yeah, we can have some fun later!" Jr. exclaimed, taking no hints whatsoever.

"Oh, but maybe we should go somewhere else, Jr.?" MOMO said. "You could show me around…"

Shion glanced at her with surprise. This one did take a hint very quickly, apparently just reading their facial expressions during the brief exchange was enough. No surprise, though, MOMO was, after all, an observational model.

* * *

Over at Vector's Second Division, Shion and Allen were getting briefed.

"There's a problem with the Zohar", one of the high ups was saying.

 _Isn't there always_ , Shion thought. _Dammit, do chaos and I have so little time together before we part?_

"The core unit that controls Zohar is a double edged sword," the high up continued and flicked the screen on. "Behold. This is the phenomenon known as U-DO."

Shion suddenly felt like shivers ran through her spine. The pinkish fog on screen was oddly mesmerizing. She put her hands together to stop her fingers from trembling. _What's going on? This… this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen…_

When the briefing ended, Shion walked out of the room, still shuddering.

"Wait up, Chief!" Allen ran after her. "Hey, what's wrong with you? You're shaking all over!"

"Nothing. I'll go take a walk for a bit," Shion said. _And meet up with chaos without your presence_. "It's been a long time."

"Oh… Yeah, your home is nearby. Sure, you want to go home, I understand."

* * *

Here it was, 'Moby Dick', an old café that Shion loved and used to frequently visit. It used to be located at a different place, but she found its new location through the UMN database.

Walking in through the doorstep and breathing in the familiar scents brought a host of pleasant memories back to her. She glanced at her hands. The trembling was almost gone, after around half an hour of walking here at a leisurely pace. That was an unusual reaction, and she wasn't quite sure what that was about U-DO's picture that made her nervous system act up like that.

Shion sighed and tried to get a grip of herself. Chaos was nowhere to be seen, but he should be over soon. She sent him a message with the café address and received an affirmation a while ago.

She walked to the bar where an old man was standing in an apron.

"Hey boss!" she said, smiling. "Hi!"

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Shion…"

They chatted for a while. Shion sat down on a bar stool waiting for the old man to cook some curry. The trembling has finally stopped. It was good to see the old man and his café still doing well, even if it had to be relocated. The inside still looked exactly the same, and it gave Shion a sense of peace.

"Wow, just look at this place, chaos!"

Shion froze. The voice at the door belonged to no one else but Jr. Could it be that chaos failed to push off the clingy little boy who poked his nose into everybody's business? Shion felt incredibly upset. Their date was ruined.

"Shion!" chaos called out apologetically.

"Huh? Jr., what are _you_ doing here?" She said, trying not to sound too obviously irritated.

"Well, I was starving!" Jr. said simply. "So I came along to your clandestine meeting. It's unfair to meet up without the others, you know."

Chaos made a face-palming gesture behind him and shrugged. Shion felt angry. If Jr. really failed to grasp that people usually have dates in private, couldn't chaos just whoop his ass to teach him a lesson?

"So, you all know each other?" The old man asked amiably.

"Well…" Shion shot an angry glance at chaos. "Kinda."

"Kinda?" chaos asked sadly. "What's that supposed to mean?"

It took all Shion could master to stop herself from punching him. Or Jr., for that matter. She couldn't decide who deserved it more, but most likely both.

* * *

The three were seated at the table, eating curry.

"This rocks!" Jr. mumbled enthusiastically between the bites.

Shion and chaos were eating in silence. So much for a date.

Jr. was wolfing down his food like crazy. It looked like he wasn't joking when he said he was starving, after all. Out of boredom, Shion started examining chaos' new attire. It was definitely better than what he used to wear before. Those shorty shorts? Eeww. He must've bought this new good-looking outfit here on Second Miltia and changed into it outright. So much trouble for a date, even an outfit change, and yet Jr. spoiled everything. Shion sighed.

"Did something happen, guys?" Jr. gulped down some juice. "You two don't look very happy."

 _Finally he noticed_ , Shion thought. Jr. wasn't very good at reading the atmosphere.

"I'll be back soon!" Jr. said, springing to his feet. "Don't be bored without me!"

He left. Before Shion could say a word, her video phone rang, and she turned it on. MOMO's face smiled at her cutely.

"Hey Shion!" she said, waving. "I'm finally back from the examination, and everything's going well so far! Will you come for my final examination tomorrow? Oh, by the way, I wanted to tell you something interesting... Today on our way Jr. was telling us about his past, and it turned out that he knew chaos back in time. Believe it or not, it was around fourteen years ago and chaos still looked the same age as now! I thought you'd definitely want to know."

MOMO winked helpfully. She was definitely good at reading the atmosphere.

Shion couldn't process what she'd just heard for a second. Fourteen years ago? Looked the same as now? If chaos was around sixteen now, as she believed before, then fourteen years ago he had to be a two year old toddler, rather than 'looking the same'. She lifted her gaze and stared at chaos.

"Are you a Realian?.." she asked quietly. That was the only logical theory that came to her mind.

"Oops, is he there?" MOMO said. "Sorry for talking behind your back, chaos! I didn't know... But no, he isn't a Realian, I scanned him. Oops, sorry again, chaos! I didn't mean to be rude. You two have a nice alone time!"

She tactfully turned off the call on her side.

However, that didn't help the date to improve, as Jr. chose that moment to come back to the table with a new portion of food. And now Shion's gaze was drawn to the door where she spotted the person she wanted to see the least of all people on this planet.

* * *

Shion couldn't believe it, she just couldn't. It was officially the worst date of her life already, and she didn't imagine that there was anything that could make it even worse. But there was, and the only one capable of that, Jin her brother, was sitting at their table now.

"So, you're both with Shion," he said gravely. "Has my foolish sister been causing you trouble?"

"Foolish?!"

"Quite the opposite," chaos hurried to say. "It's delightful to have her around."

"You know, you don't have to be nice just because she's here..."

Shion nearly exploded. Here he goes, patronizing and belittling her again. Jin always did that, no matter alone or in front of others. He believed that their parents' death gave him the right to treat her like a little kid in their stead.

"Would the two of you like to come visit?" Jin asked.

Shion hated it. So he already decided for her that she was going back home! She nearly opened her mouth to say she was busy when it dawned on her that it sounded like an opportunity…

Chaos looked at Shion questioningly. She clasped her palms together in a begging gesture. Things were finally looking up. Going home with Jin would be the worst ending to this day, but taking chaos along could prove different if he stayed over for the night. She'd just have to kick Jr.'s ass to the other end of town.


	8. Chapter 8

The Uzuki residence was a traditional home made of wood, rather than a modern metropolis standard issue. Its old-fashioned Japanese style produced a lot of expressions of delight from Jr.'s mouth. Shion hoped that he wouldn't decide to stay over the night to enjoy the house's architecture or wooden smell.

"I can't condone this association, no offense to our guests," Jin was currently saying, all four of them sitting at the table. "But these two are skilled professionals, it would be foolish for an amateur like you to get involved."

"I hear _that_ from a guy who can't hold down a job for more than six months!"

"My employment status has nothing to do with the matter at hand. Whatever these two are involved in, it's dangerous, and you're no soldier."

Shion felt like she was going to lose it. The only thing that kept her from screaming was the awkward fact that chaos was watching. Even Jr. had his arms crossed now, a defensive gesture of discomfort. He definitely didn't find it pleasant to be here and observe the Uzuki family scene.

"Shion, you should be smarter. You're growing, but you don't get any wiser with age."

Shion felt pure fury rise up in her chest.

"I…" she started in a dangerously low voice.

"Our association is not professional," chaos quickly chirped in. "Me and Shion are seeing each other."

"Huh?!" Jr. looked at him wide-eyed.

"Oh, and that's all there is to it?" Jin said with relief. "Alright, I misunderstood the situation a little. You really should've cleared it up sooner. Maybe _you_ can talk some sense into my sister one of these days."

This time Shion didn't have to fight back her temper, she lost her steam after the unexpected claim chaos made. Well, that was one hell of a way to stop a mounting argument…

* * *

Suddenly Jr. decided that he needed to be somewhere else. It wasn't entirely clear if he believed chaos' words or took them as a covert way to stop a family argument, but he was definitely starting to put two and two together. Maybe it finally dawned on him that he'd tempered with a date.

He didn't forget to take a stack of books before leaving, though. He'd been eying them greedily ever since they walked into the house.

When Jr. left, Shion turned to Jin and chaos and tried to think up a decently-sounding way to ask chaos to stay over. It would've sounded innocent earlier, but chaos' claim of a relationship with Shion would now make it sound a bit dirty and closer to the truth than Shion cared for Jin to know.

"Ah…" she started and paused.

She really didn't know how to say it without getting denied. Jin was so old-fashioned he was unlikely to agree to an idea of chaos staying. As if he had any right to play a protector of her honor. But with Jin nothing was ever easy or sensible.

"I'm sorry," chaos said, addressing Jin. "But would you mind if I stayed here tonight? Of course, I don't want to intrude…"

"You're not intruding at all… Please, you are welcome. And I'm sure Shion will be delighted that you're staying."

Shion stared at him incredulously. This was too unusual for Jin. She couldn't put her finger on it, but something was fishy about this situation. Jin would only behave like that with someone he knew and respected, not with a stranger. Yet he definitely didn't know chaos, why, at the café they exchanged their names for the first time!

As wild as it sounded, but maybe Jin was changing to the better little by little, after all. Maybe he finally started to recognize that Shion was not a little girl.

* * *

It was late, and the crickets sang in the night air. Shion found herself standing quietly behind the sliding door, listening in on the conversation outside that Jin and chaos were having. Call it a hunch, but she couldn't shake off the feeling that something was wrong.

It wasn't easy to stand quietly. Jin chose to talk about Shion and kept referring to her as a child. Chaos just listened. Shion felt hurt. If he had to talk sense into someone, he could as well talk some sense into Jin!

"So, what is it you want to ask me?" Jin said after a pause. "You've got something on your mind."

Shion strained to hear.

"Um, Jin. About U-TIC, are you still…"

Shion didn't understand the rest, as well as Jin's strange reply, but she understood one thing: the two definitely knew each other. She face-palmed. First it was chaos, all secretive and withholding all personal information, now there were two of them. What a pair of James Bonds, pretending they didn't know each other in public! Well, so much for an idea that Jin started to change for the better. He simply knew and respected chaos, after all.

Suddenly there was a sound of Jin standing up. Shion tensed. She was ready to tiptoe away any minute.

"I'm sure she's caused you all kinds of problems," Jin said, changing the topic back to Shion. "I know she's a problem, but please, take care of her for me."

"She's not a problem, she's solution," chaos said.

Shion felt a bit better. That was a little strange for a retort, but better than nothing.

"You know, it's strange," Jin continued. "I feel like I can talk to you about anything, chaos. I know that you're older than you look, but sometimes I feel as if you've been alive for hundreds of years."

Shion perked up her ears. Here's another individual who knows that chaos is older than he looks! By now she felt really lame having to eavesdrop for every small piece of information about chaos. Why couldn't he just talk about himself like normal people do? She felt proud enough to stop listening and tiptoe away.

* * *

It was a sad night. Shion lit a candle, poured some tea in the kitchen and sipped it slowly, thinking her problems over. In a sense, there was nothing to think about. She wouldn't live long, so all her problems weren't worth thinking over, really, as they'd soon be over by themselves.

She thought of what she wanted to do before losing her life. She knew of one thing she wanted, and he was still outside talking to Jin, but what about the rest? Was there anything meaningful in her life that she wanted to do before the end?

The pink foggy forms of U-DO came to her mind suddenly. She winced. They were both unearthly beautiful and, in a way, anguishing. She felt very curious about this U-DO phenomenon. Concentrating on its waves, she closed her eyes and pictured them vividly in her mind. They were almost palpable, as if they were real. Shion started to tremble again and tried to open her eyes, but it proved to be impossible. She felt a strong sensation of falling into the waves of pink, she felt dizzy and terrified, and the rest was blank.

"Sorry, but you need to be moved," a quiet voice said.

Shion drifted back to reality and opened her eyes. Chaos was touching her shoulder with a gloved hand.

"You fell asleep here in the kitchen," he explained.

 _No, I didn't_ , Shion thought in confusion. _Maybe there is something wrong with me._ First, she was seeing that red-haired girl who kept talking to her, and now this? Shion suspected she needed to visit a psychiatrist. Then again, her imminent death made her care little for solving her personal issues. However, there was still an issue of chaos who needed to visit a psychiatrist, so maybe they could go together tomorrow.

"I'm so tired I can barely move," Shion complained. "I hate to ask, but could you carry me to my room…"

Was it her imagination or did chaos briefly smile? She couldn't be sure in the dim candle light, but her request was far from subtle, indeed. Still chaos complied and lifted Shion. She relaxed, enjoying the whole ordeal of being carried by a desirable individual.

Taking directions as to where Shion's room was, chaos carried her inside and sat her carefully on the armchair.

"I thought we could talk," he said. "But it's late, so tomorrow then…"

"Where are you going?" Shion reached for the nightshade and turned it on. "You know, it was your fault that no Miltian ritual happened today. Whatever possessed you to bring Jr. over to the café?"

"Sorry, he just wouldn't leave."

"Are you kidding me?! Argh…" Shion sighed exasperatedly. "Why does it have to be you, of all people? Alright, no rituals, we've got no time for them."

"I wanted to continue our conversation from before," chaos said, as if he missed all hints. "You really need help, Shion. I can see that you're suffering. This is a bad frame of mind to be in, and you've convinced yourself that you're going to die without any proper evidence…"

"Oh chaos… or Yeshua… Is that even a real name anyway?" Shion sighed. "Sometimes your kindness is so mishandled. Talking is not the only thing that can heal souls, you know."

"…"

"So, according to MOMO you looked the same fourteen years before," Shion said thoughfully. "Let's count. If I believe that you're sixteen, which I have no reason to believe anymore, but let's just pretend I do for a second… Then plus fourteen years we've got thirty on our hands. That's quite an adult! I'm sure at this age you know what to do."

She looked at him expectantly.

The rest of the night served as proof that chaos did know what to do, indeed.


	9. Chapter 9

"You look like a different person when you're not in the uniform," chaos said in the morning after Shion decided to dress up into a new set of clothes.

"Oh!" Shion displayed mock consternation, turning from the mirror to look at him. "Does it look bad on me?!"

"Fishing for compliments is so obvious," chaos chided her with a smile. "But I can't deny that you look more wonderful than ever. And that artful piece in your hair gives you an exotic and refined air."

"Flatterer! I know you say all this because you're hoping for more rounds of hot lovemaking!" She showed him her tongue playfully. "You know, I'm sorry I can't be there for MOMO's analysis. I wish I could take a day off, but the director will have my head! Wish MOMO luck for me."

"I will. See ya later today again?"

"Sure thing, and call me on your own for a change! Just don't bring Jr. this time, for god's sake. Or the whole Elsa crew, for that matter…"

Shion rolled her eyes and opened the door. She planned to grab chaos in the evening and drag him over to a psychiatrist, but she decided to avoid telling him about that plan. He believed in his delusions, and there was apparently no way to talk him out of it. He needed to receive some medication first to be capable to use common sense again.

"We still need to talk," chaos said, leaving the room after her and closing the door.

"We'll have time to talk, unless I die at work before seeing you."

"And about that, too…"

"Don't choose grim topics for today. Life is good!"

Shion smiled contently and put her arm around his waist. Incredibly pleasant sensations were still washing over her body after their dilligent nightly efforts. Life felt great.

"Thanks for the divine night," chaos said. "Life is good, indeed."

Shion paused suddenly. She heard noises from the kitchen, and then the footsteps, which belonged to Jin for sure. So early, and he was already up, making breakfast. She winced, gestured for chaos to be quiet and tiptoed around the kitchen to the house exit.

"Are you sure you want us to leave without saying goodbye to your brother?"

"Jin's face is the last thing I want to see before my possible death. We won't be eating breakfast here, and I apologize for that, but why don't we go over to Moby Dick to take a bite?"

* * *

At work that day Shion had it rough and at one point she felt considerably worried. The Vector Industries director wanted to see her personally for some reason. Shion tried to think of what she could possibly have messed up, but nothing came to mind. She was not exactly afraid of being fired, half-dead people don't worry about their futures, but she was a perfectionist and didn't want being fired with a scandal to be one of her last memories.

"Good morning, Mr…"

"Please, sit down," a blonde man offered, pointing at a plushy armchair. "And let's avoid these useless formalities, I'm a liberal man and company leader. From now on you can address me simply as Wilhelm."

Shion sat down uncomfortably. That was far from the first time she'd seen the director up so close, but she'd never been called to his office alone before. He was always dressed in an immaculate expensive costume, and he really liked that vibrant bluish glowing sphere that stood on his desk at all times. He always wore a peculiar look on his face that couldn't exactly be called smug, but suggested a kind of confidence that he was always one step ahead of you. Every time Shion had to deal with him she felt a bit insecure under such a gaze.

"There was something I wanted you to check up on," he said. "However, using the usual channels to pass this direction was out of question, as it's one of company's top secret projects."

Shion suppressed a big impolite sigh of relief. She wasn't going to be scolded and fired, after all!

"I'm sure you remember that there was a transport that Kevin Winnicot was developing concurrently with KOS-MOS. It's supposed to be capable of travelling through hyperspace without going through the U.M.N. Right now it's not in the orbit, but tomorrow I'll have it transferred to the Dammerung ship. Here's the pass and the startup codes."

He nodded at the card and a black little disc lying on his desc. Shion stood up to take them.

"I want you to test it thoroughly in action and write a report," Wilhelm said. "Send it to me personally, to avoid data leaks. Here's my private call number."

He took up a video phone from his desk and dialed Shion's private number. She had a moment to wonder how he learnt it, as her private number was different from her work number. But Wilhelm looked at her questioningly during the delay, and she hurried to check her phone for his call and put his number into its memory.

"I'll do my best," she said respectfully.

"I don't need promises," Wilhelm said, half-smiling. "I need results."

* * *

Just as soon as Shion arrived back at the First R&D Division, Allen informed her that they've received a call from none other than Representative Helmer of the Second Miltia government. To her surprise, the topic of the call was MOMO. The attempt to retrieve the Y-Data out of her mind didn't go very well.

"…Though she avoided death," Helmer was saying. "Her neural network, the rough equivalent of her brain, has been completely shattered to pieces. We need your expertise if we stand any chance of recovering the Y-data. I request your official assistance".

Soon Shion was on her way, with Allen faithfully tripping along. Here at the Helmer's offices they've rejoined with Jr. and chaos and Ziggy who were all present for MOMO's examination today. Shion shot a look at chaos. He was looking back.

"What do you want my help with, in a few words?" Shion asked.

"We see one possibility," Juli Mizrahi informed her, doing her best to remain calm. "An Encephalon dive. Please try to retrieve the Y-Data and, most importantly, get MOMO back safely."

* * *

The dive didn't go very smoothly. Or rather at first it did, but then guess who popped out of nowhere? Albedo, once again, that accursed Albedo! Not only did he pop up, but he provoked MOMO to lose the Y-Data to him and was gone soon afterwards with a smug look on his face. Thankfully, MOMO herself appeared intact.

Shion and Allen went back to the Vector HQ, leaving the others to deal with the consequences.

* * *

In the evening, Shion received a call from chaos, who invited her over to the park. It would be a long walk to the psychiatrist from the park, but Shion didn't want to argue. Maybe they'd go to the psychiatrist later, maybe tomorrow.

So here they were, sitting on a bench surrounded by the picturesque flora and the fountains. During the day Shion lost her happy aura and now appeared stressed. Chaos put his arm over her shoulder to make her feel more relaxed.

"It's going to sound strange," Shion said. "But when we're apart, it feels like there's no bond between us at all. I thought that night would make me feel good, but it only felt good until we separated later. And then it felt like nothing ever had happened. Like it was a dream or an illusion."

"Your belief that being touched by a Gnosis is absolutely fatal is getting to you."

"No. Come to think of it, it's always been like that. And this is why I don't have friends. I don't get friendship. When they're with you it's fine, but once they're gone you feel like the link broke off for good. So why bother?"

Chaos frowned slightly.

"Have you ever had to deal with very small children?" he asked. "Infants?"

Shion shook her head. She didn't have a habit to think of children, let alone deal with them.

"An infant cries the very moment it feels suffering," he said. "It may want to eat, to be changed, or to be hugged, but whatever it is, it cries without delay. But when it's older, it can lay in the crib for a while even if it's wet, before starting to cry."

"I didn't know that."

"The reason it acquires patience and can tolerate the increasing levels of stress is because after the parent repeatedly comes to the rescue, at about half a year of age, it internalizes a feeling of having a bond. It knows that suffering isn't completely intolerable and tragic, that the bond goes on and the help will come."

"What are you suggesting? That I haven't internalized the feeling of having a bond?"

Chaos nodded.

"But my mother was a good mother…"

"We don't know what happened or why," chaos shrugged. "But something went wrong. Has there ever been a relationship that had you feel like the bond persisted?"

Shion appeared thoughtful for a while.

"Kevin," she finally said. "My ex. We've spent two years together before he died. I always had a feeling like there was an invisible thread connecting us, no matter where he was."

"What was it that had you sense the existence of that thread?"

"Um, I don't know…" Shion tried to find the words. "He said he loved me and many more things, and I believed that."

"So under special circumstances, when people convince you that you're important to them, you can still forge the bond."

"I guess so…" She felt uneasy. "Maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with romance… I tried to forget all about it and to think only of work, but I still believe that it's the best thing in the world that can happen. A union of two souls..."

"Naturally. You only had a continuous bond with another human being in a romantic context before."

"It was beautiful."

"Sure it was. All of us need bonds, at some point of life we just morally perish otherwise."

Shion stood up from the bench for a moment and sat back, this time right into chaos' lap.

"This is better!" she smiled. "Will you come over tonight to make a temporary but hot bond with me again?"

"Sure I will, did you think you could get away from me now?" chaos played along.

But Shion noticed that he didn't attempt to fix the word 'temporary' that she used to describe their connection. Apparently he didn't take their relationship seriously, after all. Shion felt stupid for hoping otherwise. Chaos was a good psychologist, but throughout the evening he did and said nothing to offer himself as a candidate to weave a more permanent kind of thread.


	10. Chapter 10

"You look like a different person when you're not in the uniform," chaos said in the morning after Shion decided to dress up into a new set of clothes.

"Oh!" Shion displayed mock consternation, turning from the mirror to look at him. "Does it look bad on me?!"

"Fishing for compliments is so obvious," chaos chided her with a smile. "But I can't deny that you look more wonderful than ever. And that artful piece in your hair gives you an exotic and refined air."

"Flatterer! I know you say all this because you're hoping for more rounds of hot lovemaking!" She showed him her tongue playfully. "You know, I'm sorry I can't be there for MOMO's analysis. I wish I could take a day off, but the director will have my head! Wish MOMO luck for me."

"I will. See ya later today again?"

"Sure thing, and call me on your own for a change! Just don't bring Jr. this time, for god's sake. Or the whole Elsa crew, for that matter…"

Shion rolled her eyes and opened the door. She planned to grab chaos in the evening and drag him over to a psychiatrist, but she decided to avoid telling him about that plan. He believed in his delusions, and there was apparently no way to talk him out of it. He needed to receive some medication first to be capable to use common sense again.

"We still need to talk," chaos said, leaving the room after her and closing the door.

"We'll have time to talk, unless I die at work before seeing you."

"And about that, too…"

"Don't choose grim topics for today. Life is good!"

Shion smiled contently and put her arm around his waist. Incredibly pleasant sensations were still washing over her body after their dilligent nightly efforts. Life felt great.

"Thanks for the divine night," chaos said. "Life is good, indeed."

Shion paused suddenly. She heard noises from the kitchen, and then the footsteps, which belonged to Jin for sure. So early, and he was already up, making breakfast! She winced, gestured for chaos to be quiet and tiptoed around the kitchen to the house exit.

"Are you sure you want us to leave without saying goodbye to your brother?"

"Jin's face is the last thing I want to see before my possible death. We won't be eating breakfast here, and I apologize for that, but why don't we go over to Moby Dick to take a bite?"

* * *

At work that day Shion had it rough and at one point she felt considerably worried. The Vector Industries director wanted to see her personally for some reason. Shion tried to think of what she could possibly have messed up, but nothing came to mind. She was not exactly afraid of being fired, half-dead people don't worry about their futures, but she was a perfectionist and didn't want being fired with a scandal to be one of her last memories.

"Good morning, Mr…"

"Please, sit down," a blonde man offered, pointing at a plushy armchair. "And let's avoid these useless formalities, I'm a liberal man and company leader. From now on you can address me simply as Wilhelm."

Shion sat down uncomfortably. That was far from the first time she'd seen the director up so close, but she'd never been called to his office alone before. He was always dressed in an immaculate expensive costume, and he really liked that vibrant bluish glowing sphere that stood on his desk at all times. He always wore a peculiar look on his face that couldn't exactly be called smug, but suggested a kind of confidence that he was always one step ahead of you. Every time Shion had to deal with him she felt a bit insecure under such a gaze.

"There was something I wanted you to check up on," he said. "However, using the usual channels to pass this direction was out of question, as it's one of company's top secret projects."

Shion suppressed a big impolite sigh of relief. She wasn't going to be scolded and fired, after all!

"I'm sure you remember that there was a transport that Kevin Winnicot was developing concurrently with KOS-MOS. It's supposed to be capable of travelling through hyperspace without going through the U.M.N. Right now it's not in the orbit, but tomorrow I'll have it transferred to the Dammerung ship. Here's the pass and the startup codes."

He nodded at the card and a black little disc lying on his desc. Shion stood up to take them.

"I want you to test it thoroughly in action and write a report," Wilhelm said. "Send it to me personally, to avoid data leaks. Here's my private call number."

He took up a video phone from his desk and dialed Shion's private number. She had a moment to wonder how he learnt it, as her private number was different from her work number. But Wilhelm looked at her questioningly during the delay, and she hurried to check her phone for his call and put his number into its memory.

"I'll do my best," she said respectfully.

"I don't need promises," Wilhelm said, half-smiling. "I need results."

* * *

Just as soon as Shion arrived back at the First R&D Division, Allen informed her that they've received a call from none other than Representative Helmer of the Second Miltia government. To her surprise, the topic of the call was MOMO. The attempt to retrieve the Y-Data out of her mind didn't go very well.

"…Though she avoided death," Helmer was saying. "Her neural network, the rough equivalent of her brain, has been completely shattered to pieces. We need your expertise if we stand any chance of recovering the Y-data. I request your official assistance".

Soon Shion was on her way, with Allen faithfully tripping along. Here at the Helmer's offices they've rejoined with Jr. and chaos and Ziggy who were all present for MOMO's examination today. Shion shot a look at chaos. He was looking back.

"What do you want my help with, in a few words?" Shion asked.

"We see one possibility," Juli Mizrahi informed her, doing her best to remain calm. "An Encephalon dive. Please try to retrieve the Y-Data and, most importantly, get MOMO back safely."

* * *

The dive didn't go very smoothly. Or rather at first it did, but then guess who popped out of nowhere? Albedo, once again, that accursed Albedo! Not only did he pop up, but he provoked MOMO to lose the Y-Data to him and was gone soon afterwards with a smug look on his face. Thankfully, MOMO herself appeared intact.

Shion and Allen went back to the Vector HQ, leaving the others to deal with the consequences.

* * *

In the evening, Shion received a call from chaos, who invited her over to the park. It would be a long walk to the psychiatrist from the park, but Shion didn't want to argue. Maybe they'd go to the psychiatrist later, maybe tomorrow.

So here they were, sitting on a bench surrounded by the picturesque flora and the fountains. During the day Shion lost her happy aura and now appeared stressed. Chaos put his arm over her shoulder to make her feel more relaxed.

"It's going to sound strange," Shion said. "But when we're apart, it feels like there's no bond between us at all. I thought that night would make me feel good, but it only felt good until we separated later. And then it felt like nothing ever had happened. Like it was a dream or an illusion."

"Your belief that being touched by a Gnosis is absolutely fatal is getting to you."

"No. Come to think of it, it's always been like that. And this is why I don't have friends. I don't get friendship. When they're with you it's fine, but once they're gone you feel like the link broke off for good. So why bother?"

Chaos frowned slightly.

"Have you ever had to deal with very small children?" he asked. "Infants?"

Shion shook her head. She didn't have a habit to think of children, let alone deal with them.

"An infant cries the very moment it feels suffering," he said. "It may want to eat, to be changed, or to be hugged, but whatever it is, it cries without delay. But when it's older, it can lay in the crib for a while even if it's wet, before starting to cry."

"I didn't know that."

"The reason it acquires patience and can tolerate the increasing levels of stress is because after the parent repeatedly comes to the rescue, at about half a year of age, it internalizes a feeling of having a bond. It knows that suffering isn't completely intolerable and tragic, that the bond goes on and the help will come."

"What are you suggesting? That I haven't internalized the feeling of having a bond?"

Chaos nodded.

"But my mother was a good mother…"

"We don't know what happened or why," chaos shrugged. "But something went wrong. Has there ever been a relationship that had you feel like the bond persisted?"

Shion appeared thoughtful for a while.

"Kevin," she finally said. "My ex. We've spent two years together before he died. I always had a feeling like there was an invisible thread connecting us, no matter where he was."

"What was it that had you sense the existence of that thread?"

"Um, I don't know…" Shion tried to find the words. "He said he loved me and many more things, and I believed that."

"So under special circumstances, when people convince you that you're important to them, you can still forge the bond."

"I guess so…" She felt uneasy. "Maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with romance… I tried to forget all about it and to think only of work, but I still believe that it's the best thing in the world that can happen. A union of two souls..."

"Naturally. You only had a continuous bond with another human being in a romantic context before."

"It was beautiful."

"Sure it was. All of us need bonds, at some point of life we just morally perish otherwise."

Shion stood up from the bench for a moment and sat back, this time right into chaos' lap.

"This is better!" she smiled. "Will you come over tonight to make a temporary but hot bond with me again?"

"Sure I will, did you think you could get away from me now?" chaos played along.

But Shion noticed that he didn't attempt to fix the word 'temporary' that she used to describe their connection. Apparently he didn't take their relationship seriously, after all. Shion felt stupid for hoping otherwise. Chaos was a good psychologist, but throughout the evening he did and said nothing to offer himself as a candidate to weave a more permanent kind of thread.


	11. Chapter 11

After inserting the card given to her by the director into its designated slot on the wall, Shion got access to the top secret hangar area where the top secret transport had been stationed.

"What are you thinking?!" Allen protested. "You're going to ride _that_? Now? We're on high security alert!"

"I don't want to let down the director."

"Chief, please come to your senses! You've always been a workaholic and obsessed with impressing the director, but this time the situation went out of hand! It was not your fault that you collapsed! The director will understand…"

"Oh Allen, be a man. Let's go if you're going, and if you don't then just leave."

They walked into the hangar and boarded the transport. It looked a bit like an E.S. Allen kept complaining all the time. It was not that Shion wanted to take him along, but she realized that he was already in on the secret after following her around, so he could as well help.

* * *

Luck wasn't favoring Shion that night. Her attempt to ride the transport without being noticed failed remarkably, and the two unfortunate travellers found themselves in the midst of a fleet of enemy ships.

"What now, Chief?!" Allen whined. "You're so reckless…"

"Calm down. We'll try to fly past them."

They attempted to maneuver their way out of the ships' way and miraculously succeeded for the whole five minutes. It turned out that the top secret transport resembled a motorcycle while in the flight mode, making Shion wonder what the director was thinking of when he decided to greenlight its design. It was remarkably fast, and while riding it and dodging the ships, she didn't forget to record the show for the director on her video phone camera.

Finally, they found themselves in an area free of space ships.

"I think we're saved!" Shion announced.

"Thank goodness!" Allen exclaimed. "My hair nearly went grey…"

There was a buzz of a transmission coming in. Shion pushed the button to accept.

"Yo, stranger!" a familiar voice of a certain captain said. "That was quite a show you put on! Hey, if you're alive, say something!"

The Elsa popped out from the hyperspace in front of them. Shion couldn't believe her eyes. Out of all ships, they've just stumbled onto the Elsa! Shion's heart missed a beat. Chaos usually travelled to his missions on the Elsa… _Oh no, stop thinking of him already! From now on I'm officially through with him!_

* * *

"What are _you_ doing here?!" Shion exclaimed.

Those words were addressed to Jin, who was equally shocked to see her on board of the Elsa.

"That's no way to greet your brother," he complained gravely.

Chaos walked up to them with a small smile, and Shion put two and two together. So here they were, a couple of James Bonds on a mission.

"What were you doing in space in this region?" chaos said with concern. "That was very dangerous…"

"Mind your business."

Chaos' eyes widened for a moment. Shion was intentionally curt with him. That was by far _not_ what she wanted to do, she'd rather leap into his arms, but she had to stop being obsessed with someone she couldn't have the way she wanted to have him. She simply was not into the casual stuff.

Shion turned her back on chaos pointedly and happened to see Jr., Ziggy, and MOMO come out from the bridge. So the whole company was back together again. There was a new guy with them, a Realian who presented himself as Canaan and who obviously wasn't trying hard to be nice.

Their secret mission turned out to be the retrieval of the original Zohar. As always, it was lost somewhere. Chaos refused to tell the mission details to Shion earlier, but now that she was stuck on the Elsa, everybody decided that she could be told what was going on.

After some talking Shion went inside of the female quarters to think. She wasn't supposed to be here, she needed to get back to the Dammerung and write a report for the director! But she wasn't sure she'd be just as lucky riding back through the fleet of enemy ships as she was riding forth, so leaving was out of question for now.

"Shion?" a voice called out. "Come to me."

She looked around frantically. Pink waves. But this time Shion was prepared, she'd constructed a careful plan on how to strike a deal with her subconsciousness and trick it into giving her a break. She knew that in its own way, one's subconsciousness was an entity with its own will, so it was possible to negotiate with it.

"What should I do to stop you from overtaking me?" she asked. "Name your price."

"I cannot leave. I need you."

"Alright, then let's limit your needs to once per day. Name your price for _that_."

"Come to the Zohar and merge with me."

That was doable, in a way. Shion could certainly join the group in their quest for the Zohar unless they tied her up to a chair, and as for the merging, she assumed that the hallucination was talking about hallucinating in front of the Zohar. With the rate the hallucinating has already been happening, this shouldn't pose much of a problem.

* * *

Polite knocking brought Shion back to her senses. She stood up from the floor where she'd found herself sprawled and said 'Come in!' loudly.

The one who came in was chaos, and he was definitely the last person whom Shion wanted to see right now. It was very difficult to be dismissive with him, so Shion would rather avoid him altogether.

"I'm busy," she said, although there was nothing she could possibly be busy with at the moment. "Could you say whatever you have to say later?"

"No," he said and stood in front of her. "Shion, you're upset with me. Tell me why."

"Why do you even care? Go have a buddy chat with Jin or something."

"I don't want to be the reason you're upset."

"Ah right, that 'kindness' of yours at work again? You know, I realized I was wrong about you," Shion crossed her arms on her chest angrily. "I thought you were kind and compassionate, but these traits of yours are superficial. You don't have genuine kindness."

Chaos was silent and appeared puzzled. Whatever he expected of her to say, that wasn't what she was saying.

"You help people superficially and pat yourself on the back," she told him. "You do it when it's easy, such a hypocrite. But when it takes some effort you'd rather stand aside. You torment people who care for you by keeping everything to yourself, as if they've got no right to get closer. You talk profoundly about bonds but you don't forge them yourself."

"Shion, please… I have my reasons."

"No, this is no excuse!" She felt a tear drop down her cheek. "You knew from the very beginning… Back in that stupid hotel I told you what I wanted, my desires. If you had any shred of kindness inside of your soul, you'd have avoided giving me false hopes after that. But you allowed me to approach you. You knew I wanted to have someone in my life, 'a human connection' you called it, and yet you thought it was alright to get close to me and then refuse it? What sort of kindness was that?"

"You're right… Sadly, it was a mistake. I should've behaved differently."

Previously Shion could only guess what hurts more: denial of sins or admitting to them. It turned out that admitting hurt worse. Chaos just said outright that their relationship was a mistake from the start.

"You're evil!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "It isn't just false kindness! It's false when you don't know what you're doing, but you did... And when you know what you're doing it's called cruelty, plain and simple. You used me for your own pleasures in the end, like the worst of men do!"

The door pushed open and Jin's anxious face appeared.

"What's going on?!" He frowned. "And chaos, what was that just now about using my sister?!"

* * *

The scene was saved by the arrival of ever merry Jr. who as usual didn't understand anything and automatically assumed that Shion was having a family fight with Jin. It was time to stop petty squabbles and go to the mission, he claimed. Shion ran out of the quarters, trying to suppress tears.

"Way to go, Shion!" Jr. whistled appreciatively in her wake. "See how enthusiastic she is to help us with our mission? Now wipe away these distraught expressions, both of you, and go! Huh, don't tell me, are you scared?!"

* * *

It took quite a while to travel to the location of the Zohar. Shion almost completely calmed down and noticed with some satisfaction that the fake U-DO hadn't been bothering her again so far. Apparently she managed to please her subsconsciousness by a promise to come to the Zohar and it left her alone for a time being.

After the group made it to the room that was supposed to house the Zohar, they found none other than Margulis guarding its massive doors.

"I commend you for getting this far," he smirked. "That Helmer… He's certainly managed to assemble an impressive ensemble. But your coming here now is pointless. The Zohar is now under our control. There's nothing you can do."

"You bastard!" Jr. couldn't hold it in. "That thing is way beyond what you can handle!"

"But weak as your position is, we still can't allow you to interfere with our plans. Time to die!"

Margulis waved his hand, and an orange blast of fiery air shot at the group at a considerable speed. Shion screamed slightly out of shock, and chaos stepped in front of her, carefully shielding her from the impact. However, before the blast could reach them, Jin shot out a similar blast forward that nullified its energy.

Shion forcefully stepped on chaos' boots. She didn't need protection from him! No, no, he wouldn't redeem his guilt that easily… _In your dreams, chaos, in your dreams_.

"It's been fourteen years, Uzuki," Margulis frowned.

"Personally," Jin said. "I would've preferred to never see you again."

Shion didn't know whether she should laugh or cry. So even Margulis knew Jin, not only chaos. Her brother did get around.

Jin and Margulis engaged in a duel, but once Jr. got impatient, he ran at Margulis screaming and everybody else joined in. Eventually their forces prevailed, Margulis was beaten and had to flee like a coward, hiding behind false cocky words.

The group opened the heavy doors and proceeded onwards.


	12. Chapter 12

The Zohar was towering in the center of the room. An old grey-haired man dressed like a pope stood in front of it, facing the group that came in.

"So you managed to beat Margulis," he said without any concern whatsoever. "I suppose I shouldn't underestimate the resilience of insects."

Shion eyed the Zohar. So basically all she needed was to get closer to it and start hallucinating. Then her subconsciousness would be treating her a lot more mercifully, even though she wouldn't be done with its naughty behavior for good yet.

"Who are you and do you really know…" Shion asked the old man. "What it is you're doing?"

"I agree!" a familiar voice resounded. So familiar that you'd want to commit suicide from hearing it way too often. It was Albedo again. "This power is mine. You have no right to it."

Shion groaned. There was yet another one contesting for her Zohar!

Meanwhile Albedo mounted an attack but it failed remarkably. A wave of energy from the old man who was dressed like a pope sent him to the floor, and Albedo's body started dissipating. Jr. ran up to him and stared at him with eyes full of shock and horror.

"Not even this," Albedo said dramatically. "Could phase me out of existence."

However, after these words even his head disappeared.

"You bastard!" Jr. screamed, turning to the old man who looked like a pope. "You'll pay for this!"

"I don't have time for this nonsense," the old man said haughtily. "Enjoy the afterlife..."

Suddenly a few blasts hit from above and the old man fell to the floor, screaming his last words ever. Shion lifted her eyes and spotted two strange men, in black and red, wearing masks. Were they the ally or the enemy? She edged a few steps closer to the Zohar. The sooner she's done with her ridiculous task, the better.

"Begin," the red masked man said.

The moment Shion was ready to break into full spring towards the Zohar, something started happening to it and she came to a halt. It looked like violet electricity was swirling all around it with awfully loud static noises. She won't be running into _that_ , thank you very much…

In a few moments the image of Albedo appeared out of the electricity. The violet-pinkish-reddish waves that surrounded him were without a doubt…

"U-DO…" whispered Jr. in shock.

Shion felt weak in her knees. These were the same waves she saw at that picture at Vector Industries. The same waves she saw in all her hallucinations.

"Stop, Albedo!" Jr. screamed in despair. "Please, stop! Don't merge with U-DO! If you don't stop, I'll have to stop you!"

Shion started. So that was a merge? Wasn't what her fake U-DO requested from her also a merge? 'Come merge with me', it said. She shuddered. By the looks of things, she'd have to do a lot more than simply hallucinate once at the foot of the Zohar to weaken the influence of her subconsciousness. She'd have to… step into the real U-DO?

"Come, my positron!" Albedo called insanely. "You're an anti-UDO weapon… My heart tingles with anticipation!"

It was already quite clear that Albedo was suicidal. And a bit unstable, to put it mildly. All he wanted was to die, or so it seemed, and he believed that Jr. was capable of granting him that wish now.

The waves of U-DO buzzed slightly, which for Shion sounded like a beautiful song. She looked at them intently and wondered if someone like Jr. could really counteract something as tremendously powerful as the real U-DO. It felt like something ethereal, like a being from another existence...

Come to think of it, the anti-UDO weapons were never properly tested. According to Jr. himself, he and the rest of them had only come into contact with the artificial U-DO waves, and even that ended horribly for them.

Shion suddenly felt a strong urge she couldn't contain, and she ran towards the Zohar at full speed.

"Shion?!" chaos and Jin both exclaimed somewhere behind.

Not paying attention to Albedo standing in her way, she ran past him until she reached the Zohar itself. She put her hands to its surface and felt some kind of beat running through it. Oh yes, it was an U-DO beat. The same mesmerizing, but terrifying power she'd seen in her visions. As she was told at Vector Industries, U-DO was a core unit that controlled the Zohar. She didn't know what exactly that meant, heck, she didn't even _care_ what exactly that meant. Not now.

"Who's trying to steal the final act from me?" Albedo asked, turning to Shion.

She kept one hand on the Zohar and pointed another at him.

"Get away!" she said in a commanding voice. "Get away from U-DO!"

Chaos and Jin finally reached the Zohar, as well, and popped up on both sides of Shion. No doubt their intent was to drag her away from it, but she used her free hand to send two very gentle blasts of pinkish air their way, each blast for one man. Both were thrown back and landed on their butts.

Shion then turned to Albedo and sent a stronger blast his way, then another one and another one, until she felt that there was no connection between him and the Zohar any longer. U-DO has left Albedo. His shape dissipated once again, face full of surprise.

Someone's hands grabbed Shion's waist and she was dragged away from the Zohar. She looked down to see that the hands belonged to chaos. But she needed to go back. It was not about merging with U-DO anymore. She didn't merge with it fully yet, but she didn't care anymore, either way. She just felt a craving to touch it again.

"What are you doing?" chaos said in a strange, pained voice. "Do you even know what you're trying to do? Direct contact with U-DO is fatal…"

She didn't listen and fought back. Jin was at her other side, helping chaos keep her in place. She kicked him in the face and tried to wriggle out of their arms, until she felt a strong hit somewhere on the back of her head and fell into darkness.

* * *

When Shion awoke, she found herself at the Elsa. She was back to the female quarters, and she was lying on one of the beds. She touched the back of her head. Someone delivered her quite a powerful blow. It hurt.

Suddenly she remembered what happened and felt embarrassed. She'd never felt as ashamed of her behavior as now. She wanted to strike a deal with her own subconsciousness, which she ultimately failed, and instead she went completely crazy.

Shion sat up on her bed and signed. She knew from the start that she had strange reactions to U-DO. If she were smarter, she'd have never approached it. If she were smarter, she'd have never struck any stupid deals that included approaching it.

She was ready to fully admit it now: she needed the help of a psychiatrist, and she needed it fast. It didn't matter whether she was dying or not, she was getting ill too rapidly to overlook it any longer. And now she'd even made a spectacle of herself in front of everybody.

She felt dizzy and lay down again for a moment.

"Shion?" sounded the voice. "You won't talk to me?"

 _Oh no. Not that again._

"Check the outward camera 26 in the security recording room if you want to know the truth."

And it was gone. Shion gasped for air. It was gone! Gone! For the first time it was gone so quickly she didn't even lose consciousness in the process of talking to it. She felt grateful for that minor comfort.

She stood up again and walked out of the female quarters on her unsteady legs. Where was everybody? They were probably on the bridge. She didn't feel like she was ready to face them, not after behaving like a mad woman in front of them earlier. So instead she slowly walked into the opposite direction.

Shion reached the security recording room where the cameras feed was being processed without even realizing it. But once she saw where she was she couldn't help but smile weakly. It was so ironic that her legs would carry her here, where she could get another confirmation of her own madness.

Feeling bitter, she poked at the keys and chose the outward camera 26. What was her mad subconsciousness expecting of her to see there? It was an outward camera, which meant it was attached outside of the Elsa and facing the outer space. She punched the button with a sense of bitter finality.

Chaos appeared on screen. Shion stared. Her dear chaos... Wait, how was he standing there? That was the outer space, and you couldn't breathe in the outer space. He was standing right on the side of the Elsa, which was floating in the outer space.

Shion's brain refused to process it. Then she noticed another man standing nearby. It was… the director.

Speechless, she reached out to the console and switched the sound on.

"It's been a long time, Yeshua," the director said. "I'm pleased that you've come. But didn't you say you weren't going to intervene?"

"I've made up my mind, I won't hold back anymore," chaos said decisively. "Someone has opened my eyes today… By allowing fate run its course to the ultimate end I've been avoiding all genuine bonds with humans, since all of them were destined to die anyway… I wasn't showing them neither kindness nor respect to their will. I was being… uncaring. So now I will fight, and I will fight for the only end I want: for the one that won't be the end. For the one that will make all bonds in this world meaningful to forge and sustain."

"That's wonderful," said the director with a hint of irony. "Your values are as alien to me as ever, Yeshua, but I'm thrilled that after all this time of respecting the will of the human beings by remaining a passive observer to their lives and fates, you've finally discovered… your own will."

* * *

Having walked back to the female quarters, Shion lay on her bed again and thought. How could two human beings breathe in the outer space? How could they talk? And were the two really human or… the beings from the imaginary number realm?

And if that was so, then the U-DO she knew from her visions was the U-DO that was… real.

But what did it want from her when it requested that she merge with it? She had no answer to that now, as she'd never bothered to find out the reasoning behind its wishes.

* * *

A polite knock on the door elicited a faint smile from Shion.

"Come in," she said.

That was chaos for sure. He was the only one who knocked like that. He walked up to her bed and sat on the side, looking her over with concern and worry.

"Are you feeling better?"

She put one of her arms under the pillow and fished out a disc. A small disc she took out of the security recording room after watching the outer space show.

"You should be more careful, oh being from an imaginary number realm," she said half-mockingly and half-jokingly. "If you want to keep your secrets from human beings, don't leave the incriminating evidence behind."

The look on chaos' face was priceless. Shion had never seen him shocked dead and rendered speechless before. She laughed. It was enjoyable to see. She shoved the disc into chaos' hands and continued laughing merrily.

"I don't quite comprehend…" chaos said, looking helplessly at the disc at his hands. "How you inferred this much from what I assume is my most recent conversation…"

Shion giggled. So he had no idea about U-DO letting her in on his secrets. Come to think of it, U-DO always readily answered her questions, whenever she asked. Shion was starting to see the good in U-DO's existence. Chaos still had a lot, _a lot_ to explain for himself, and whatever he'd attempt to hide, out of habit or otherwise, she could always discover from her mysterious pinkish friend.

"I'm proud that I was the one who 'opened your eyes'!" she quoted and stuck her tongue out. "Now, what are you going to say to forging a _real_ bond?"

* * *

The end of Xenosaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Böse


	13. Chapter 13

**~One year passed between Xenosaga II & III~**

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	14. Chapter 14

A soft breeze played in the palm trees. It was a nice place to have a secluded home: a small and pleasant island, no other people, and a big spacious tent with all the comforts for good life.

"Not that I'm complaining, but a whole year has passed…" Shion mused, lying on the sand in the shade. "And I haven't turned into a Gnosis. I might just as well accept that it isn't going to happen… But why did it happen to everybody else except me?"

"Ask your omniscient friend."

"Pfff!" Shion turned to chaos who was resting nearby and raised an eyebrow scornfully. "If only U-DO was omniscient! But all it knows is what we discovered in previous recurrences."

"Which is a lot. Wilhelm's plans, all alternative plans and ideas…"

"Get away from me with your optimism! I'm trying to complain here!"

She hit him playfully. Indeed, U-DO was gradually informing her of everything it knew, and there seemed to be no limit to its happiness that finally, for the first time, the players on the stage would not be completely ignorant until the very end.

"It's all your fault, you know," Shion said with a smile. "You were the only one who always knew everything in previous recurrences, but kept it to yourself until the end. How dumb was that?"

"I chose to be a passive spectator," chaos said with obvious regret. "But it's different now."

A ring of a videophone sounded from the table close to the tent, signifying an incoming call.

Curious, Shion scrambled to her feet, ran towards it, and pushed the button to receive the call. Jr. blushed when he saw her unusually designed swimsuit that left little to imagination and mumbled that he needed to speak to chaos. Were she to be caught wearing something else, Jr. wouldn't speak to her anyway. After what Shion did to Albedo a year ago, he couldn't forgive her and wouldn't talk to her directly anymore.

* * *

No matter how it looked, it was not an island paradise vacation. The two were actually living here for a while. Shion decided that they didn't need to bring much stuff to enjoy living on an island. Besides, it sounded like a good idea to spend time in a peaceful place before the end of the world, just to have more energy to deal with it, as well as some nice memories.

And now Jr. was calling. It was obvious that the call was about work for chaos. It wasn't like Jr. didn't call just to chat, but he knew better than to call the two at their island, unless it was an emergency.

Shion sighed. She was going to miss chaos. Perhaps she should go somewhere else, spending time alone on this wonderful island was not her idea of fun. Shion hated being alone.

She looked at the big tent they set up. Chaos was standing over there at the table, talking to Jr. A sudden sensation of dizziness overcame Shion. _Oh, U-DO._ These days it was much more polite and instead of forcing itself into her consciousness gave her preliminary 'warnings' and 'signs'. Typically Shion would lie down waiting for it, sometimes take a nap, and then U-DO would wait a while before coming or even come in her sleep.

"There's another call incoming!" chaos called out. "The number is familiar, come talk to your friend from Vector."

Shion stood up and stretched out. She didn't have friends, it was chaos' idea, but whatever. U-DO would wait long enough for her to take the call.

Just as she expected, chaos started to change from his swimsuit into clothes more appropriate to leaving the island. _Damn Jr. and his work._

Punching the button angrily, Shion was faced with a visage of Allen.

"Hey, Chief. It's pretty difficult to tell you, but…" He cut right to the chase decisively. "Ah… Chief? What are you wearing?!"

He demonstrated a similar reaction as Jr., and Shion rolled her eyes. She wore a swimsuit, dammit, a swimsuit! And it was revealing for somebody in particular to look at, yet everybody else behaved like she wore it for them and acted shocked.

"Ehh…" Allen looked away. "As I was saying… At a staff meeting today they officially decided to cancel the KOS-MOS Project."

Shion felt surprised, but not distraught. Her attachment to KOS-MOS used to be strong, as she was her last link to Kevin, but now that she had someone else to replace Kevin the attachment has dwindled. There was more than that to it, too. According to U-DO a certain individual named Mary was going to be awakened inside of KOS-MOS, and Shion couldn't help but feel resentful about some Mary that chaos used to know.

"Is it over for good?" she asked.

"Actually, for now the project is being transferred to the military," Allen explained, still looking away. "But the military are overseeing the development of a new model, and KOS-MOS development will come to a close soon."

"I see."

"Umm, chief… Would you like to come and visit us here at Vector? We've been relocated to the Fifth Jerusalem recently."

Shion wondered. Allen knew she had a boyfriend but wasted no time inviting her over.

Chaos, who was now fully dressed, waved at her wildly. When Shion looked at him, he started nodding and showing in all kinds of ways that she should go visit her friends. Shion rolled her eyes. It was not like she missed them much… Then again, she had nothing to do on this island alone.

"Alright," she nodded to Allen.

After the call ended, she lay down on the beach towel for the last time to wait for U-DO to come. She was upset at the abrupt end of this small island paradise.

"Don't be so down," chaos said, kissing her goodbye. "Go see your friends. It isn't right for you to have a bond only with me, you need to put more effort into establishing them with others."

"But you know it doesn't work, right?" Shion said indifferently. They had this conversation many times before. "I tried… Anyway what's so bad in having only one bond?"

"Happiness shouldn't depend on one single person. There's not a lot of it that way. Should I say hi to Jin?"

"Alright, alright, let's pretend I said hi."

"Good. On a side note, would you stop answering calls wearing this swimsuit?"

"Well, _excuse me_ for trying to look sexy to you!"

"It's appreciated. You don't have to look like that in front of the videophone, though."

* * *

Amidst the pinkish waves, there was the island. A total replica of the island which Shion was staying on and chaos just left. She walked around it for a while.

The ethereal replica held so many memories created on these recent days. It was like paradise, like everything that Shion could ever desire to have. But now that she was left alone here, the paradise was gone. She leaned against the palm tree and observed the sea waves. Even so, she had this feeling of an unbreakable bond with chaos that neither time nor distance could shatter. She was alone here now, but she was not truly alone anymore.

"You need to focus," U-DO's voice suggested. "I'd have already passed all information to you, if only you didn't fail to do what I told you."

It was talking about the failed merge through the Zohar a year ago. As Shion found out from U-DO later, it hoped to pass all of the information to her in one full sweep that way. And now they were stuck doing it gradually, through conversations.

"There is a higher and lower domain," U-DO said, while Shion closed her eyes tiredly. "You human beings inhabit the lower domain's universe, and I, along with everything else that you'd wrongly call a God, exist in the higher domain."

"I follow…" she whispered. "And the imaginary number domain, where is it?"

She wondered where chaos was really projected from. And the director. No, she should stop calling him the director now, he's not her boss anymore. Right now he should be demoted to just his name: Wilhelm.

"It's in the lower domain," U-DO helpfully said. "The formless realm where most people go once they die. But rather than live as they were, they become monsters with no control, the ones you call the Gnosis."

Shion opened her eyes and stared at the sand below her feet thoughtfully. She'd heard about the Gnosis coming from the imaginary number realm from U-DO before, but it would never tire of reminding her. And so, that dimension was overloaded with the Gnosis, and now it was tearing apart from overload, the Gnosis leaking out into the physical side of the lower domain. Which was causing the collapse of the lower domain as a whole.

And apparently the collapse of the lower domain would lead to the collapse of the higher domain, as well, since the two were connected. That's why the lower domain would have to be destroyed, to keep the higher one intact. And this was the conundrum they were facing: somehow the lower domain's slow destruction had to be stopped, otherwise the failsafe power to get rid of it would be invoked.

"So why are people going to that imaginary number realm when they die and cause the overflow? They're pretty much the sole reason for all of this and for the end of this universe..."

"I've been unable to determine that."

"Okay. Why is chaos the one who has that failsafe destructive power?"

"Irrelevant question," U-DO said. "We can't know why. He just is."

Shion supposed that in a way, it was just as well that chaos was what he was. Thanks to this, he was a being with an timeless span of lifetime. And that was good, for otherwise they wouldn't have met, as he would have died long ago.

But it was painful for Shion to imagine how chaos had to bear this. Nobody in their right mind would want to have a hidden function like this. Perhaps that was why chaos ended up trying to do so much good to everyone around, as an excuse for his own hidden nature, as something to counteract it.

"The way I see it," Shion said. "The only way to stop this madness is to remove all the Gnosis from the imaginary number realm. To grant them a true death."

She and U-DO had a tentative plan.


	15. Chapter 15

That first thing that the Fifth Jerusalem, the capital of the Federation, greeted Shion with, was a four-hour elevator ride down from the orbit to its surface. She took a nap, stretching on three elevator seats in a row, and talked to U-DO some more in her dream. That transformed the otherwise useless time waste into a productive activity.

"Allen! You look well," Shion smiled, coming out from the elevator finally.

Surprisingly to her own self, she felt really happy to see Allen. Perhaps the idea of meeting her all acquaintances from Vector wasn't so foolish and useless, after all.

"Chief!.."

"Please don't call me chief, I'm not your boss anymore."

Allen looked anxious. He smiled briefly and said:

"I've got you a room at the Mobius Hotel. It's close, so let's go and have you settle in. When you're done, come down and I'll show you around town."

Shion put a hand inside of her bag and felt for a purse. She couldn't allow Allen to pay for a luxury hotel room. Even though Shion never bothered to search for a new job after quitting Vector, as holding jobs so close to the end of it all seemed pretty meaningless, her previous position as a Chief of R&D had paid so well that there was a big pile money accumulated at her bank account.

"No, no!" Allen waved his hands when he saw her pull out a credit card. "It is a present to welcome you, from me and everyone else. Eh… We used the money from Vector Industries, actually."

Shion couldn't help but laugh. How ironic! Well then, so may the director pay for her hotel room.

* * *

The room wasn't anything to sing songs about, as it turned out. Even though the hotel was luxurious, and the view from the giant floor-to-ceiling window was spectacular, the room itself was rather spartan. Perhaps her 'friends' were afraid to take too much money from Vector, after all, the leak could be spotted.

Miyuki gave a call to greet Shion. Having learnt that Allen was close, she informed her that he had a lot of work for today and needed to go back to the HQ. Apparently Shion was to stay alone and wait until tomorrow evening to see everyone. Today they had a very busy day before a special demonstration tomorrow and would all stay at work after work hours. That was lonely and sad for Shion.

"I'd like to see KOS-MOS!" Shion surprised herself by saying longingly.

"It's a shame," Miyuki sighed. "But I don't think it's possible for you any longer."

When Allen left for work, Shion scrolled through the list of her phone numbers. Here it was, Wilhelm's private number. She didn't plan to use it so soon, but now she was going to kill two birds with one stone. After all, she wanted to see KOS-MOS at tomorrow's demonstration, and who else could authorize a pass for her other than the director?

* * *

The private call went well, and Shion requested a meeting with Wilhelm in addition to an authorization for the demonstration. Both were granted. Apparently Wilhelm thought she regretted quitting Vector and wanted to negotiate her entrance back. She couldn't read him well, as usual, so she couldn't determine how he felt about that, but the meeting was granted to her, nevertheless.

This was a part of her and U-DO's secret plan and it made Shion feel nervous. The details weren't worked out in full yet, and she had little confidence in their plan. Still, this was the most natural opportunity to start putting it into motion.

Now Shion didn't know how to kill time until tomorrow. So out of boredom, she decided to sleep.

* * *

A faint ringing sound drifted through the room. Shion opened her eyes and felt for her phone. A familiar image sprang to life on its screen.

"Chaos! How is it going? Wait, that communication code… Are you on this planet?"

"Hi, honey. Yeah, we just arrived on the Durandal."

"It's unusual for you to go on missions on the Durandal. What happened to the Elsa?"

"Umm…" He looked down somewhat uncomfortably. "Actually, that's what I need to talk to you about. Are you with your friends right now? Can you find some free time?"

It wasn't like chaos to pry her away from 'friends'. Shion knew instantly that there was some kind of emergency.

* * *

Chaos glanced at Shion and slightly frowned.

"Why are you wearing this outfit to a café? It's a bit revealing…"

"What's wrong?" Shion lifted her eyebrows in mock surprise. "You said you liked it when I wore it in private."

"Right. _In private_."

"Are you jealous, by any chance?"

"No, no…" He shook his head.

A couple of loudly talking guys went by their table. One of them nearly screwed his neck backwards staring at Shion's chest.

"They were looking at you…" chaos said with a hint of irritation.

"Ha! So you _are_ jealous. I'm so delighted!" She clapped happily. "I'm glad I've chosen to wear this, it was totally worth it!"

"Shion, you're such a naughty girl," chaos said, shaking his head. "Tormenting me just to feel good? Shame on you."

"And here you go admitting it! _Now_ I'm happy."

They were sitting at a table at the café nearby the Mobius Hotel. Shion ordered one modest cup of of coffee. Chaos was hungry after his mission and ordered some food.

"What? The Elsa's missing?!" Shion asked, nearly dropping her coffee cup.

"We think that they fell into an imaginary pocket. The external communication has been cut off, and we don't even know what's going on inside."

"Umm…"

Shion knew what he was asking for. Nobody really knew how to deal with imaginary pockets, but maybe U-DO would? In all honesty, it should. After all, unlike them it remembered all previous recurrences of this world, and unless the Elsa perished every time, they'd found some way to rescue it.

But here was the problem: how would Shion call to U-DO _right now_? It came when it pleased, and it's always been a one-way street. Shion didn't want to have the captain and the others die because of her tardiness. She sipped some more coffee in deep thought, then put the cup firmly on the table. Sure, it's been a one-way street, but then again, didn't she somehow 'summon' U-DO first in the beginning?

"Please, don't feel pressured," chaos said. "But the next time that you're in contact with it, could you please ask…"

Picturing the image of the pink waves in front of her, she focused on her desire to reach U-DO.

"Shion!" chaos exclaimed when she suddenly fell face first on the table.

* * *

When she opened her eyes, she was in her bed in the hotel room. Apparently chaos had carried her here. He and Nephilim were shispering at the opposite end of the room and none of them noticed that Shion was 'back' at first.

Shion winced a little. Her face hurt. That fall was violent. But it paid off: U-DO did retell her the events of the previous recurrence, and they involved KOS-MOS. Whose project was apparently soon to be closed, so Vector won't need her anymore?.. That presented a certain chance to get her back easily.

Shion listened intently. It wan't like she was a fan of eavesdropping, right now she was just too lazy to call out and inform them that she was awake. That's what she told herself.

"It's only a matter of time," Nephilim whispered. "Before Shion's mind and body are…"

She paused meaningfully. Shion tensed. That sounded ominous, to put it mildly. Could she be talking about the Gnosis touch? Was Shion still in danger? Or was it something else? She felt betrayed. Chaos was hiding important things from her again… Even though this time she could understand his reasons. It would be hard to tell someone you care for that she's going to die.

"What if that's inevitable?" Chaos whispered. "I can see nothing that I could do to save her. And even if I could, human life is so short… I'd lose her anyway. This is a dead end."

Shion never thought of it from such a broad perspective. It sounded grim. For chaos, she was something incredibly short-lasting. How did he feel, knowing at all times that losing her before long was inevitable? Human beings tended to forget about loss, heck, they didn't even think of the inevitability of their own death, but chaos must've seen many people he cared for die before him. Anyone and everyone he cared for would inevitably die on him, and he'd be helpless to do anything but watch.

So maybe that's why he tried to be a passive spectator before and to avoid forming bonds too close. It must've been lonely, but there was little choice. Get close, and you get to see your loved one age and die. Over and over again.

What would it feel like to love someone and remember each minute that their life cannot last? To know that you can't ever die together? Would it be possible to still be happy with this short kind of happiness? Shion didn't think so. Realizing how inevitable loss was could poison every moment of happiness.

There was silence in the room, and Shion turned on the bed. Nephilim was nowhere to be seen anymore, she clearly left a while ago. Noticing Shion move, chaos walked up to her bed and sat on the side.

"U-DO knocked me out," she explained, in case chaos was worried that she collapsed for other reasons.

And before he could ask anything, she reached out and hugged him tight.

In a way, they were in the same kind of pain. She knew what it was like to anticipate inevitable death, and he knew what it was like to anticipate inevitable loss. Shion clasped her fingers tighter on him. Her hopeful dream has ended, she was still going to die, after all. And here they were, just two beings who didn't want to separate, helpless against the harshness of this unforgiving world. Two beings who could do nothing but find a small moment of solace in each other's warmth, as fleeting as it was.


	16. Chapter 16

Moment after moment, the embrace turned into a long shared time of desperation.

"What do you think of?" Shion asked.

She pulled a little back from the embrace and stroked chaos' hair.

"I wonder …" he said, closing his eyes under her caress. "Why is the one such as I allowed to exist?"

They had this conversation before. The feeling of guilt, some self-loathing, it was what chaos carried deep inside. He didn't want to be the imaginary number realm being that he was, and he didn't want to have his power of destruction, either. Usually Shion would comfort him by saying 'you're loved', 'you're appreciated' and similar things, but now she realized they'd ring hollow. How much could he be comforted by being loved, if that love had no chance to last? Not much.

And the context made his words sound different this time. It was usually about guilt, but now, after the talk with Nephilim that Shion listened to, she caught a new undertone to his feelings. Or maybe that was an old undertone, the one she just didn't know about.

"It sounds like what you really dream of is death," she said quietly. "That is… so wrong."

And yet it was so right. The feelings of guilt and the invariably short duration of any bond, no matter how strong, would be enough to send anyone to the depths of hell emotionally. It was so normal, so easy to relate to, this wish of his for an escape from suffering.

"I heard you two..." Shion said.

"I realized. How careless of us to whisper right inside of this room."

He pulled her closer into another hug. Shion was silent, she didn't know what to say anymore. Whatever words she'd utter would change nothing. This happiness and warmth, as poisoned as it now was, just wouldn't last.

"It's mostly U-DO," chaos said. "In my thoughts I tried to ask of it to leave you alone, but I don't think it heard… Its touch is fatal, and it clings to you so strongly, eroding your already so short life away. I used to think this was a necessary sacrifice, that a new way to continue the world could be found with yours and U-DO's help. But it isn't easy to rationalize it like that… Not when I have you in my arms and I know you keep fading away."

Shion smiled weakly. She'd be sad if chaos could successfully rationalize her death as a necessary sacrifice. It was a small comfort that he couldn't.

"But my feelings are nothing in comparison to yours," he continued. "What is pain of losing another in comparison to the dread of losing oneself?"

Shion found herself agreeing that it was true. But she didn't feel like speaking. At that moment of perfect understanding it wasn't necessary to speak.

* * *

Next day, walking to the testing grounds with Allen, Shion was thoughtful. Perhaps she could request a pass for chaos yesterday, but it didn't occur to her that he'd want to go, and now it was too late. Even so, it was all good, since it meant that she she was going to talk to Wilhelm without witnesses. Very good! She had a new idea to discuss with Wilhelm that she didn't want chaos to know about.

"Allen, what's wrong?" Shion asked, sensing the unusual aura of apprehension around him. "Are you _that_ sad about KOS-MOS?"

"Chief... You know Dmitri Yuriev, right?"

"Not personally. But of course. He's Jr. father. What about him?"

"The Zohar Project was transferred to the military and is now headed by Dmitri Yuriev. I have a bad feeling about this."

* * *

The demonstration proved to be full of surprises. T-elos, a new model, turned out to be a clone of KOS-MOS with a slightly modified, but still obnoxiously sexualized design. The captive Gnosis were released into the arena to have her fight them. Her reaction times and the strength of Hilbert Effect proved to be much better than KOS-MOS'. To Shion she looked like a legitimate reason to put KOS-MOS out of commission.

The second demonstration had KOS-MOS herself appear on the arena. To Shion it felt like seeing an old precious friend she hadn't seen for a long time. But Shion didn't think she had friends, so what was that, really? Perhaps it was more like seeing a precious old pet that you left with a different owner and unexpectedly ran into once again. The pet had nothing to do with you any longer, but the memories of the time you'd shared together tugged at your heartstrings.

KOS-MOS was put up against a mecha with a long Latin name that Shion didn't care to memorize, but there was something off about it. Shion felt it immediately. Something off she couldn't quite put her finger on. The mecha was somehow familiar to her. Not in design, that was certainly something she hadn't seen before, but it emitted a kind of familiar aura.

"Do you know who is piloting it?" Shion asked.

"Some autistic kid," Allen replied. "He is a local legend here. He doesn't communicate with people, but his mecha skills are unparallelled."

For the next ten minutes KOS-MOS was getting utterly annihilated by this mecha. It was shocking to observe such a formidable model as her helpless. But during that process it gradually came to Shion what the unusually powerful mecha was similar to. Surprisingly, it reminded her of the U-DO waves. Were they coming from the mecha or from the autistic boy inside? Logic suggested to Shion that the boy was an U-DO contact, although it wasn't clear whether the manner of that contact was similar to hers.

When KOS-MOS got crushed into the wall with brutality, Shion couldn't take it anymore. If the pilot really had anything to do with U-DO, she could compel him to stop! She closed her eyes and focused on the mecha and the boy inside.

Buzzing noises and loud explosions quickly brought her back. Some desperate screams sounded in the background, and Shion realized that people were running back to the doors. The mecha went out of control and was shooting beams of orange fire everywhere. Shion was speechless. Why did that happen, was it because of her interference?

* * *

"It's a pleasure to meet you again," said the man in the elegant suit.

The words were a formality.

"Thank you for finding time for me regardless of the turbulent demonstration".

Shion's words were no less of a formality. She was sitting down in an armchair, and talking to none other than Wilhelm. They were alone in the office.

* * *

"I am surprised," Wilhelm said. "But pleasantly so."

These words were no formality.

"I hope we can agree to make things easier," Shion said.

She knew it was highly improbable to outsmart the director of Vector. Improbable, but not impossible.

"If you're aware of all that and more," Wilhelm mused. "Why am I to believe that you truly learnt all that from U-DO and kept it from Yeshua? I heard you two have quite a romance going."

There was just one thing you could do to outsmart an individual who read people like open books: tell the truth.

"I think he feels suicidal," Shion said with genuine sadness. "And I'm afraid that this time he plans to take himself out of existence, while using his power to alter the course of things. But I cannot allow Yeshua to die! This is my motivation to help bring about the Eternal Recurrence."

"How extraordinary senseless it is to be motivated by petty feelings of 'love', in the face of such a grand event… But this is so _you_."

Indeed, it was very Shion, after all, it was true. She was motivated by feelings of love, above all. Just not in the way Wilhelm believed her to be.

"Why do humans insist on exalting the most superficial things?"

Shion stared. It didn't take any acting to do so.

"Having a bond is not superficial, it gives life meaning!" she objected without having to lie. "Perhaps you're the one who'd spent all his lifetime in denial…"

"I do fine without." He shrugged. "There is one individual who is special to me, though."

It was no rocket science to guess whom he was talking about. Shion found that endearing in its own way. She suspected the feelings were mutual. After all, in the world where everyone around you died, wouldn't it be special for someone to live on and on, just like you?

"We need a world that strictly follows the flow of fate," Wilhelm said. "Dreams, possibilities, choices, free will… You're here to put an end to these fleeting illusions. I am pleased to have you on board so early."

* * *

The sliding door of Wilhelm's office opened, and KOS-MOS filed in. Shion eyed her with apprehension this time. The thought of Mary, even though she was not yet awaken inside of KOS-MOS, was eating at her. What if chaos liked that Mary stronger than Shion? With an effort, Shion smiled and gave KOS-MOS a hug.

"You're with me from now own, KOS-MOS," Shion informed her. "Let's go."

Fortunately, after Wilhelm became convinced that Shion was on his side, he demonstrated a very high level of cooperation. This time around they wouldn't have to break into Vector Industries and steal KOS-MOS to save her from being scrapped. This time Wilhelm just handed her over, not caring in whose body Mary awakens anymore.

* * *

During lunch time at Vector, Shion and KOS-MOS paid a visit to the First Division where all their 'friends' worked.

Everybody was quite amazed that Shion was taking KOS-MOS away as her personal possession. It was unheard of. Togashi broke out a bottle of champagne to celebrate the fact that KOS-MOS wasn't getting scrapped. Miyuki, Allen, and the others shared the table with them, chatting amiably.

Shion remembered the advice chaos gave her about 'making friends' and decided to make use of it. Apparently, one had to be open to create bonds with others, that was the way it worked. And being open meant sharing something that was meaningful to oneself with others.

"Shion, how's your gorgeous boyfriend doing?" Miyuki asked with a wink.

That was a perfect opportunity to say something meaningful.

"Oh, you know," Shion said, taking a piece of cake. "At first I had such a big crush on him, but it was over in merely a month or so! I was disappointed and thought that it was truly over."

"And then?!" Miyuki asked, curious. "It came back again stronger than ever before, right?! Oh, Shion, how romantic!"

"No, the crush never came back," Shion said and was rewarded with a sight of shocked faces all over the table. "But I discovered that I still loved him. The things I liked about him in the beginning I still continued to like. And in a way, my feelings were a lot more profound and genuine than when that chemical storm was brewing inside."

The faces of others at the table were displaying expressions ranging from puzzlement to confusion. In other words, they weren't ranging much. In a way, it didn't come as a surprise to Shion. People seated at the table were mostly still rather young, and perhaps they hadn't experienced anything except a crush themselves yet.

Shion decided that it was quite difficult to share her personal discovery with them, such personal things she'd have rather kept close to herself. On top of that, that act of sharing didn't make her feel any closer to them.

"But does that mean," Miyuki asked, perplexed. "That you don't really love each other? At least not as intensely as before?"

"No, I would say it's the opposite. The kind of connection we share is more profound than a blind crush could ever provide. Hey, KOS-MOS, what do you think?"

KOS-MOS was sitting at the table, too, although she wasn't eating anything.

"Human emotions are so confused," KOS-MOS replied. "That they simply aren't worth thinking about."

That produced a roar of laughter from across the table.

Shion drew a conclusion that ultimately it was of no use to share the details of her feelings. The topic was changed swiftly, and that left her feeling like things important to her were being ignored by others. If anything, it thickened the wall that already stood between her and people at this table.


	17. Chapter 17

When Shion and KOS-MOS boarded the Durandal, everybody ran to greet them.

Naturally, Jr. was the first to yell a greeting, but only to KOS-MOS. He was pointedly ignoring Shion. Others joined in with their greetings and created a lot of noise.

"Jin?!" Shion said in shock, spotting him among others. "Ah, that's right... I completely forgot you were with them."

Jin's face displayed a pained expression, but Shion ignored it. She was already smiling at chaos who came closer to give her a kiss.

* * *

"It's a hypersphere that swallowed the Elsa," Jr. way saying, pointing his finger at the screen. "And now it continues to shrink!"

"It's likely to continue shrinking and then disappear from this dimension into the imaginary space," chaos explained. "In this case, the Elsa is likely to be taken into the imaginary number realm and we won't be able to retrieve the crew. Do you follow, KOS-MOS?"

"Affirmative."

Shion didn't like that chaos addressed KOS-MOS directly. _Oh c'mon, Shion, this is so stupidly insecure!_ _Could he really like some woman he knew six thousand years ago more than you? No matter how strongly he cared for her, in so much time his feelings would've completely evaporated…_

"A weak spot exists on that hypersphere. If we can pierce it with a high-output weapon, we can probably reverse the space and help the crew out. That's where you come in, KOS-MOS."

"I'm happy to serve."

Shion suddenly had a bad feeling about it. Not about KOS-MOS or the upcoming rescue of the Elsa specifically, but about the fact that KOS-MOS, even not yet awakened, was capable of reversing space. If she was capable of that, what could chaos do, especially if he got his powers back? It would happen sooner or later in the future, and Shion found herself worried he'd do something unpredictable.

She knew chaos was no big fan of Eternal Recurrence, but still he permitted it to occur without interference as long as others wanted it. He naturally had the kind of personality that was inclined to go with the flow, letting others choose what they wished. It was all a part of his kindness. However, Shion had some vague apprehension about his actions this time. Ever since that conversation in the outer space with Wilhelm, chaos was acting more decisive than ever. It wasn't like him at all.

With a start, Shion noticed that she wasn't thinking alone. Something else was listening in on her thoughts. It was U-DO. The longer their contact got, the gentler it became. This time there was no warning, U-DO was already inside of her mind, yet Shion was not being knocked out.

Something else was new. Right now, residing inside of her mind, U-DO was capable to perceive what was going around her, to hear what other people were saying out loud. She could tell that much from sensing U-DO listen to them speak. It was eerily alike to being possessed.

Shion wasn't sure she liked that. Maybe it would be better if she came to U-DO herself, like before, by being knocked out and 'taken' to its realm, than have U-DO come here through inserting itself into her mind.

"I need to tell you something," U-DO said suddenly inside of her head. "It's about Yeshua..."

Shion looked around. To her relief, nobody in the room had heard that. She'd have a lot to explain if a voice of a stranger was actually heard by others coming from her body.

" _This is so creepy!_ " Shion thought inside of her head. " _Get out of my mind and take me to your realm instead! Wait, not right n-_ "

She blanked out.

* * *

"Chaos, what am I supposed to think of it?" Jin said testily.

They had just carried Shion to the female quarters and put her down to rest.

"Why do you ask _me_?" chaos raised his eyebrows.

"Don't you pretend you don't know why. I'll tear your head off if she's pregnant."

"Ah… I can assure you this is not the case."

"You better be right. I won't tolerate such irresponsibility towards my sister."

* * *

It took Shion two hours to get back awake. It wasn't like it took so much time for U-DO to tell her what it wanted to tell her. No, _that_ was quick... But she spent a lot of time in its realm afterwards, drifting among the pink waves. She didn't want anyone else to see her cry.

Once she came to, she found out that Jin, of all people, was sitting nearby.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

Shion was still so shocked and pained with what she learnt from U-DO that she had difficulty talking. She did not reply and stared at the floor.

"That doesn't look good…" Jin commented. "You know, I approved of your relationship with chaos at first, but lately I'm not so sure. It worries me."

Shion was so distraught she barely listened, otherwise she'd have given Jin an earful for behaving like he had a say in her choice of relationships. Jin picked up on that and frowned more.

"KOS-MOS has performed greatly, and everybody went to the inside of the hypersphere, and to the Elsa," Jin informed her. "The last time I heard, they were having trouble figuring out why it won't fly… Alright, I should be going in, too. And I left something for you under the pillow, please use it."

He got up and left the room. Shion tried to fight off her sorrowful feelings for a minute. No matter what, she needed to go, as the next part of the future won't proceed without her. Pushing her arm under the pillow, she grabbed something and pulled it out. A pregnancy test. _Oh Jin_ …

* * *

Reaching the Elsa, Shion discovered that everybody except KOS-MOS, who was waiting for her, moved off to investigate the outside using their mechas. She signed. That long track outside wasn't needed in this iteration of their world, not now that she struck a deal with Wilhelm, but she supposed that there was no other choice but to follow them.

Boarding her mecha together with KOS-MOS and moving outside of the Elsa, she noticed that the others didn't move away far enough yet. She shot a beam to attract attention to herself and stopped dead in her tracks. The others stopped, as well, waited, but after Shion didn't move they started slowly gliding back to her, no doubt puzzled.

Shion caught a shadow in the corner of her eye. It had a KOS-MOS' shape, but KOS-MOS was inside of their mecha... _So there she is!_

"We're going out, KOS-MOS," Shion said and exited the mecha.

* * *

T-elos, who 'ambushed' KOS-MOS right outside of the Elsa, kept wiping the floor with KOS-MOS. Shion winced. She wasn't sure that was necessary this time. What they needed was a time shift to the past, but apparently Wilhelm believed that a feeling of great despair on Shion's part was needed to execute it. But how exactly was Shion supposed to feel 'great despair' about KOS-MOS getting beaten, when a part of her wished for KOS-MOS to stop existing altogether?

Shion glanced at chaos. He wasn't doing anything to stop T-elos from mauling down his dear Mary... _Alright, that proves that he doesn't care_. Still Shion wasn't sure. Of course, time wipes away all feelings, and as much time as six thousand years would wipe away his. However, people tended to give special meaning to the memories of their firsts. First friend, first love, first teacher, first marriage, first job, first kid, first whatever… And for chaos his time on the Lost Jerusalem with Mary had to be chock full of firsts.

 _Yet there is something worse than this.._. Shion was sad and frustrated and angry with chaos after what U-DO told her most recently. Even jealousy paled in comparison with those feelings. For U-DO informed her that chaos was planning to use his power in a different way this time than before. In a way that'd use it up completely, along with his life force.

What Shion told Wilhelm of as mere potentiality came true. Her fears turned into reality.

Shion felt betrayed. Chaos told her time and time again that he'd be with her till the end. But now he wanted to abandon her, as full release of his power would no doubt kill him. _What a liar_. _How can he be choosing to do that? Does it mean he doesn't care for me? If he did, he'd want to stay with me, to live on…_

That didn't make Shion feel motivated for the Eternal Recurrence. Wilhelm knew her badly if he believed it would. If anything, it made her wish for another recurrence to never occur. Shion didn't care for one-sided love, she'd never force herself on somebody who wasn't willing.

KOS-MOS got kicked up to the ceiling of the cave and landed right at Shion's feet.

"Now what?" Shion asked sadly, glancing at T-elos.

T-elos was readying herself up for a massive phase transfer cannon shot.

Shion felt that blind anger was overtaking her. Not at what was going on in the battle, but at chaos and his stupid lies and false words about 'love'. And then despair came, so much despair. Shion felt like whatever bond she and chaos had, it was starting to thin out rapidly. Bonds could not be sustained on lies.

"I hate this idiocy!" Shion screamed. "I hate iiiiiit!"

T-elos shot at KOS-MOS, ran up and put her heel down onto her, victorious. Shion stared. The bluish light was engulfing her, and she realized that a time shift was going to happen, propelled by her feelings of despair, just as planned.

* * *

After a blinding flash of light, they found themselves still by the Elsa. It wasn't obvious if a time shift had actually happened, and Shion assumed it wouldn't be until somebody goes out further to discover that they were on Miltia now.

Meanwhile she stared at KOS-MOS' mutilated body at her feet. To hell with uncaring chaos, she's going to deal with him later! But KOS-MOS…

Shion sank to her knees. KOS-MOS used to be there for her at all times. Whenever she needed help, KOS-MOS would come at all costs. Shion could finally see the truth of it, in all clarity. When all was said and done, KOS-MOS was not just her pet. Along with Kevin, she created, programmed, and raised KOS-MOS to become what she was. Shion hugged her remains to herself. How could she resent her so much? How could she allow petty jealousy to blind her? How could she feel nothing when she was getting all torn up here by her superior clone?

Shion felt a tear run down her cheek suddenly. Her heart, usually so cold and closed to everyone around, melted in her chest. KOS-MOS was definitely not a pet, she was her precious, precious daughter.


	18. Chapter 18

KOS-MOS was lying inside of her pod on the Elsa, silent and dysfunctional.

"Is it possible to fix her?" Allen asked.

"Beats me," Shion replied with regret. "There are still so many parts I don't understand. Even if the repairs are perfect, I don't know if she'll reboot or not…"

She sat down beside the pod and put her hand over KOS-MOS', as if she was a patient lying on a sick bed who needed to be comforted.

"Chief…" Allen mumbled, perplexed with her behavior. It wasn't like Shion to behave so caringly towards KOS-MOS. Or anybody else, for that matter. She displayed almost a motherly kind of care.

* * *

Jr. and the others left the Elsa once again to investigate their surroundings further. Soon they were going to return with the news that this place was the past of Miltia.

"You know, KOS-MOS, I had an awful dream some time ago," Shion addressed her silent robotic body. "I dreamt that I saw chaos kiss you and that you even had children of your own with him… And I was there watching you two from aside and my heart was breaking into pieces. Stupid, isn't it?"

 _No, it isn't. Fear of loss is so very human._

Shion gasped. These weren't her own thoughts, even if they sounded in her own mind. It was U-DO again. Was U-DO actually trying to comfort her, U-DO, of all entities in this world? But it was so nice of it that Shion didn't tell it to be gone from her mind this time.

"That dream left me utterly devastated," Shion continued. "I thought I hated you, I wished you death. I'm sorry that my fears could drive a wedge between us."

 _You're only human, not a perfect being. There's nothing to feel sorry about._

Shion was so touched that she felt her eyes sting a little. Grateful to U-DO for saying such words, she sent a surge of warm emotion its way.

"I hope that you reboot, KOS-MOS," Shion said. "Sure, we have T-elos to replace you in our plans, but I'd want to see _you_ again, if only for just one more time…"

She stood up, ready to walk over to the computers and start working on KOS-MOS's coding. That would be difficult. A lot of it was done by Kevin and was left uncommented and undocumented.

But before Shion could start working, she heard a sound coming from the pod. Turning her head, she saw KOS-MOS sitting upright with her eyes open.

"I'm back, as requested, Shion," she announced.

* * *

Jr. and the others came back, almost screaming their news. They were on Miltia of the past! They'd even seen the Labyrinthous outside!

None of it was news for Shion, who had U-DO to tell her what was going to happen at any point of time. She sipped some tea in the corner while the others were discussing what to do. KOS-MOS joined her, observing the others intently.

"I think chaos wants to talk to you," KOS-MOS noted.

Shion shot a glance his way. Indeed, he was looking at her instead of giving his full attention to the discussion.

"We mustn't interfere with this world," Jin said seriously. "Who knows what kind of nasty time paradox we could create otherwise. We need to be extra careful."

As if… Not only they would interfere, but there was no other choice. Shion signed. She dreaded what was to come, but they needed to collect all pieces in order to have Wilhelm start up a functioning Zarathustra. There was no way around it.

Shion stood up and gestured for chaos to follow.

* * *

In the female quarters, Shion put her cup of tea on the table and turned to face chaos. He looked like he had something on his mind to tell her. But Shion didn't care what it was, she had a topic of her own prepared at hand.

"I know what you're planning to do," she said directly. "U-DO told me everything".

Chaos' eyes widened for a moment. Perhaps he didn't expect that U-DO would somehow become capable of learning his plans. It used to have a limited capacity of seeing into this world.

"You liar!" Shion accused. "You promised to 'stay with me until the end', and now you decide to kill yourself?"

She slapped him. Chaos stood still and didn't even try to dodge.

"I'm sorry," he said apologetically.

Shion stared at him for a while, hoping against hope that he'd suddenly change his mind and say something different, but he remained silent. He wouldn't even look at her directly. Apparently there was a considerable sense of guilt eating at him.

"Please understand…" he finally said, slowly. "The hearts of human beings are easily swayed, emotions fleeting, and fortunately, they forget their pain, no matter how strong. This is why, even although my death would cause you a lot of hurt, you'd be able to get through it eventually."

Shion felt crushed. There was so much wrong with these statements. Yes, human beings forget their pain, but their suffering is real. Chaos has just devalued all of human feelings in one go, like they didn't mean a damn thing!

"I've always existed for a purpose I hated," he continued. "But I finally see a way to change it. There's a way to use my power for the good instead of destruction."

"By killing yourself?"

"That's a side-effect that cannot be avoided... Sorry. This power is quite literally what sustains my life force, and if I use it up I can't continue to exist."

Shion clenched her fists, half angry, half desperate.

"Sounds like a suicide out of guilt to me."

"It's not like that. I want to help."

"Help whom? You've just basically said that human feelings don't matter. So whom do you want to help, those whose suffering is of no significance to you? You're so confused."

"…"

"Even my suffering you easily discard, and I'm the closest human being to you," she said. "How can you say with a straight face that you care for the well-being of others, if you fail to care even for one single person? You're lying to yourself."

"Shion, there is a difference between suffering and living, and suffering and dying… One can be healed with time, another is final."

"Listen to me," Shion walked up to him and hugged him close. "Stop imagining that you're a monster in need of repentance. It doesn't matter what power you hold, you're good and wonderful. And flawed, of course, but I don't love you any less for that. You know, you're so goddamn indecisive, but once you actually decide something once in a while, it's almost always an incredibly stupid decision… So maybe you should give up on deciding and let others decide, like always?"

Shion stepped back to look at him. Alas, judging by the expression of finality in his eyes, his mind was set. Chaos was a very passive individual, indeed, but once he got himself convinced of something, he could be stubborn as a mule. Shion believed he had trouble changing directions. He could go on and on in one direction, and if it ever got changed, which would be a miracle in its own right, then he'd go on and on in a new direction. Like a train that cannot change the direction of the rails it rides on.

"You said that initially you wanted to stay uninvolved and see what humans decide," Shion tried reasoning with him for the last time. "So be consecutive and do that! I'm deciding here, not you… And I'm deciding that you're going to live on."

Chaos didn't look convinced, he looked guilty.

 _It's useless_ , U-DO's voice sounded among her thoughts. _Just stick to our plan, and he'll live in the end_.

 _And so he will_ , Shion thought in reply. _But our bond will not_.

"To me this is betrayal!" she said loudly. "If you want to kill yourself, then why do you even continue this relationship with me in the first place? Wouldn't it be more honest to leave?!"

"…"

"There are other options, you know."

"But they're horrible, Shion... Yours and U-DO's plan about destroying _all_ the Gnosis? They're living beings, too, I can't allow that…"

She slapped him again, yelled "Get out!", pushed him outside of the door and shut it up with a bang. Then she told U-DO, which was starting to comment on these events, to shut up and sat down on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

She felt betrayed. No matter for whatever noble reasons, the person who professed to love her decided he'd rather abandon her. She cried without stop for a long time. It brought all kinds of memories back, memories she'd rather forget. Her parents dying on her, Kevin dying on her… None of them chose to leave her, there were reasons for their deaths that marked them inevitable, but she didn't hurt any less. No matter how nobly chaos could rationalize his decision to leave her, it wouldn't hurt her less, either.

 _I'm all alone_ , Shion thought. _I know for certain now… that in this world I truly am alone_.

And the bond between her and chaos broke off clean.

* * *

The door slid open, and KOS-MOS walked in. She was sent to inform Shion about dinner, but she remained silent when she saw her staring miserably into space with reddish eyes.

"Shion," she finally addressed her in a minute. "What transpired here?"

When Shion remained silent, KOS-MOS sat down close to her and gave her an awkward hug. It was the first time KOS-MOS displayed understanding of how to deal with human emotions. She did try comforting others before, with clumsy words, but she never went far enough to provide physical contact.

"Thank you, KOS-MOS…" Shion whispered. "A hug is all I really need."

And she hugged KOS-MOS back.

"You're a peculiar human being," KOS-MOS commented. "Typical people have big desires. A luxury house on a well-developed planet, a speedy ship of the most recent model to glide through space. But all you need is a hug."


	19. Chapter 19

Later that day KOS-MOS carried dinner to Shion's room. The three of them were staying there together while Shion ate: KOS-MOS, Shion, and U-DO. After dinner Shion sat at the table in front of the computer and browsed the U.M.N., with KOS-MOS looking behind her shoulder and interjecting some commentary. All of it was distracting, and distraction is what Shion wanted right now.

 _Why do you humans choose pain?_ U-DO mused in her mind. _Over and over again…_

"We do not choose it," Shion said. "It comes on its own as response to certain events."

KOS-MOS looked at Shion quizically.

"I'm talking to someone you cannot hear," Shion explained.

She wouldn't tell that to anybody else but KOS-MOS. Others would no doubt think she was insane, but when it came to KOS-MOS, Shion felt like she could tell her anything. Even if KOS-MOS thought she was insane, she wouldn't think any less of her for that.

 _That's not what I meant_ , U-DO continued. _After observing this realm for a long time it looks to me like suffering is surprisingly a natural, unavoidable state of existence for a human being. Choices, decisions always clash, somebody always gets the short end of the stick. Even when you humans try to make things right, you cannot make them right for everybody. It's like the human condition is inherently such that all humans can never be happy at once._

"The human condition," Shion whispered. "Is that happiness is fleeting. Just like chaos said, humans always forget their pain, but what he failed to realize is that happiness always slips through our fingers, just as well… Oh, why was I born as a human…"

"Would you prefer being an android like me?" KOS-MOS asked. "Ask Ziggy for advice. He's striving to become a full cyborg eventually, with no human parts. He knows how to approach this dream best."

 _If you want to stop being human, we can arrange it_ , U-DO commented somewhat hopefully. Perhaps it, too, needed a friend. An inhuman friend standing beside it.

Shion smiled. Each of them tried to be helpful in their own way.

She took KOS-MOS' hand. And suddenly a feeling of serenity overcame her. A feeling of them three being together. Truly together. The last time Shion felt something like that was very long ago, back when her parents were alive. It was such a distant memory that before now she forgot that such a feeling even existed. It was a feeling of true interconnectedness. It felt like there were no borders between her and KOS-MOS and U-DO.

Surprisingly to her, the feeling she experienced now was deeper than the bond with chaos ever was. She didn't know why. Was it that their bond with chaos had too much desperation on her side, too much need? And now that she claimed she was alone in this world, she suddenly discovered deeper kinds of bonds. The ones that weren't born of need and loneliness, but of pure unadulterated love.

* * *

There was a knock on the door and a cough, and Shion recognized Jin's voice.

"Come in," she allowed.

Jin entered, carrying a tray.

"KOS-MOS said you didn't feel well," he explained. "So I decided to bring you over something more."

He put the tray beside her on the table. A glass of juice, a chocolate bar, and a package of 'herbal remedy' were on the tray.

"You look like someone died…" Jin frowned deeply. "Wait, don't tell me… Did you use the test and the result was positive?! Is that why chaos isn't here with you, he ran away from responsibility? What a good-for-nothing bastard!"

He pushed the glass of juice and a chocolate into Shion's hands testily.

"I knew I shouldn't have trusted him…" Jin continued.

Shion looked at him, perplexed. She found herself noticing a lot of things she hadn't noticed before. The way he brought her food and pushed it into her hands, like a caring mother, the way he genuinely hated the idea of chaos mistreating her… Could it be that all this time her brother loved her and she was oblivious to it?

Jin stood up and marched towards the door.

"Where are you going, Jin?" Shion asked, suspecting that she knew.

"To kick his pathetic ass."

"I'll join," KOS-MOS offered immediately.

"Wait up, you two!" Shion waved her hands dismissively. "It's all a misunderstanding…."

She paused. What could she possibly say? _Hey Jin, I have this invisible friend, and it tells me that chaos is going to kill himself for the good of humanity, hereby leaving me alone. He has tremendous power to destroy the universe, so he wants to use it in a different way, you know?_ Yeah, Jin was totally going to buy that.

"Alright, alright," Shion said. "You two can kick his ass. He deserves it, anyway."

They left the room and Shion smiled. That's her family! Her brother and her daughter…

 _And don't forget about me_.

Oh… And U-DO, of course. Shion didn't exactly know what status of relatedness to assign it, but she was fine thinking of it as a friend.

* * *

Shion was considering going to the Neurosis Treatment Facility alone. She knew she had to go, in order to 'help' summon the Gnosis and the Ark of Abel, no matter how much she didn't want to. In the past iteration of this world they always went there together with this whole group of people, as Shion always tried to change the past. But now she knew she couldn't change it, as she needed it to be the same in order to elicit desperation in her past self, desperation so strong that it'd resonate with the Zohar. Now it made no sense to go with a group, she could as well do everything alone.

Carefully, Shion cruised around the Elsa and reached the exit. Leaving the Elsa, she turned a corner of the cave it was parked in, and ran nose to nose with Jr. doing exercises. Apparently he loved to exercise in the open air.

"Shion!" Jr. exclaimed. "What'cha doing here?! I thought you were in your room, sick… But you're trying to sneak away to the city, against our decision to stay back from messing with this timeline!"

So much for sneaking away unnoticed.

But it was the first time in more than a year that Jr. actually spoke to Shion. Small comforts.

"Um, I want to see my parents," Shion said. "I'll go and come back soon."

"What?! Don't you see what's going on?" Jr. pointed his finger at the sky. "The Miltian Conflict is starting!"

"It's fine, I can stand up for myself…"

"Okay, let's go!" Jr. pulled out his pistols and posed. "I'm ready for a challenge!"

* * *

Inside of the Treatment Neurosis Facility, they had to fight their way through Realians and other enemies, until they finally made it to the room Shion's mother was in.

There was no limit to Jr.'s surprise when he saw a little Shion inside. Meanwhile a big Shion had a lot of trouble coping. Once again she had to see the sight of her both parents dead. And once again she was helpless to prevent that. This time the thing that hurt her most was that technically, she could. But she had to sacrifice her parents… by her own choice.

"Shion! Stay calm!" Jr. exclaimed, waving his pistols around.

He wasn't good at comforting people.

The door slammed open that moment, and in filed chaos and the others. But of course! He was now set on preventing hers and U-DO's plan from working out, and one thing he could do was belatedly discover that Shion left the ship and go after her. It was obvious where she would go. Not that he could do much here…

The little Shion chose this moment to emit a desperate, heart-wrenching scream. The big Shion sensed something familiar start up in the distance, reacting to it, something the energy of which she'd sensed a year before… It was the Zohar, there could be no mistake. Through the windows of the ward, the air itself became full of distortions, as if the fabric of space was coming apart, torn. From the distortions and tears the Gnosis wriggled their way into this reality.

"This is a dream, right?.." asked MOMO in a small voice. "A little Shion called the Gnosis? This can't be happening… No, I don't believe it… Someone, tell me what's going on!"

Meanwhile, the big Shion leaned onto the wall and closed her eyes, feeling horrified. This was the moment everything went wrong in her life. This was her biggest moment of loss. Nothing was ever the same afterwards, she was always alone in the world. Even her temporary bond with Kevin couldn't mitigate that feeling of isolation completely. This was the moment of irrevocable change, and she didn't prevent it… _chose_ not to prevent it.

Was it really that important what would happen to the cold uncaring world that she knew? How could she ever choose it, choose the U-DO's plan to save it, over her own parents and her own joy? She could prevent their deaths and come back to a very different present. The world would perish still, it would just take a tad longer, but who cares for death as long as she'd be happy for a while? Why did she choose the fates of people, who were always so distant and egoistic, over her own happiness? They did _not_ deserve it…

"Shion," KOS-MOS said, walking up to her. "Leave this room with me, it won't do good for you to stay here and watch."

KOS-MOS was ignored. In this new state of collapse Shion forgot all her recent discoveries about the family that she still had. She was back, relieving this moment along with the little version of herself, and the emptiness it left her with seemed so much more real than what or whom she had in the present. She was back to the time where she had no daughter, her brother was not there to help her... back to the time when she had nothing.

Reaching the climax of despair, she screamed out and sensed that there was a reaction to it, somewhere above. A piece of her mind remembered that it was the Ark of Abel getting summoned. It finally came into this world, just as planned.

Shion walked away from the wall and came to the window. So many Gnosis were roaming outside. Those were the creatures that chaos wanted to save, along with the human beings. But reality was harsh. As U-DO said, suffering was an inherent part of human existence, somebody always had to get the short end of the stick, and in this case the ones to perish had to be the Gnosis.

Because it if the ones to perish weren't the Gnosis, then human beings would turn into the Gnosis themselves, all over the world. And then everything would be lost, there'd be not even a tiny chance to go back to good life.

Then again, Shion asked herself why she cared. Should she care? What should she really do in this iteration on this world? Did it make sense to go with U-DO's plan, or should she rather use it to her own advantage? After all, what kind of a friend U-DO was, it was the one killing her gradually, depleting her life force. She didn't owe U-DO a damn thing.

She felt Jin's arms envelop her from behind, comfortingly, but at this time she couldn't care less for any warmth. It all seemed fake and meaningless to her.

"What's the hell's going on?!" Jr. exclaimed. " _That_ didn't happen fifteen years ago!"

"What we're seeing is not the past," chaos said. "This is a reality that didn't exist… until now. Abel's Ark is here again."

Nobody really noticed how he said 'again'. They were busy staring outside the windows in shock.

"Shion! Finally. I'm here, I've come for you."

They all turned their hands to the door upon hearing that claim, which was presented in a cheerful voice that didn't fit with the overall drama of the situation. A Testament was standing outside. That was Kevin, believed to be dead by many, except those who knew better.


	20. Chapter 20

"The Kevin in this time," Shion said quietly, having calmed down considerably by now. "Sacrificed all those people and all those Realians, to research the Zohar. Even my mother."

"I had no choice," Kevin said. "But you must understand that it was all done for you."

Shion understood. She knew all this from U-DO, this and more. She knew that Kevin was deluded. What meaning could it ever have to repeat the past again and again, if it was as miserable as this?

But in a way, they were alike. In Kevin, Shion recognized the same kind of loneliness and need. They were alike in the way they failed to connect with the world. They were alike in the way they were searching for someone to create a bond with and to obsess over and to stay together until the end. That was the only strategy that worked for people like them: find your one and only person to love and never let go. But that strategy was unhealthy, Shion could see that clearly now, as one single bond could never replace the full spectrum of links with the world and its people.

When she learnt of chaos' plan to sacrifice himself, it was the end of the world for her. But it was the end because at the time she had no other bond, no other love or friendship to fall back on. It was the end of her twistedly limited world.

Shion's heart went out to Kevin. It wasn't love, it wasn't pity, but it was something more than that, something mere words failed to grasp. He was one human being in the world she could empathize with so precisely.

"Come with me. I need you, Shion."

Kevin stretched his hand out to her. Shion was in no hurry to accept, but she felt a longing. Here he was, so similar to her, claiming that he needed her. Wouldn't it be right for them to be together, two people fully empathizing with each other's plight? The birds of a feather who'd cling to each other and never let go.

"Who do you think you are to offer yourself to her?" chaos said, frowning. "You're saying this was all for her benefit, yet you're the one who'd hurt her most."

"Oh, you're the one to talk…" Shion mumbled. "That's all your 'kindness' is about, lying and hurting others for some stupid irrelevant ideals."

She made a step towards Kevin. It didn't really matter now if she stayed with this group or Wilhelm's. All they needed for Zarathustra was fully prepared, and right now she would rather leave than have to see chaos beside her for even one more minute. She'd feel so much more peaceful if that traitor wasn't in sight…

Chaos made a step forward and stood between Shion and Kevin.

"This is none of your concern!" Kevin said. "Get away, fossil!"

"But it _is_ my concern. I'm her boyfriend."

"No!" Shion objected firmly. "From now on, chaos, I'm officially done with you… Kill yourself if that's what you want."

She pushed him out of the way. Chaos looked at her with surprise and a lot of anguish, it was obvious he did get hurt by her behavior. Shion sighed. Why should she care for his feelings if he didn't care for hers? _After all, feelings are fleeting_ , she thought bitterly, _so you'll forget your pain in no time, right, chaos?_

"Stop this madness! You dare to appear in front of us as a Testament and think you can take away my sister?"

This time Jin stepped out and put his hand on the sheath of his sword in a threatening way.

"Jin Uzuki," Kevin addressed him. "Surely you've already realized what's happening to Shion's body. She's suffering from the same illness as her mother. And I'm the only one who knows how to save her."

"Huh?!" Jr. felt confused with the news.

"Shion has the same ability as her mother had," Kevin said. "But that power will ultimately cost her her life."

"What?" Jr. didn't feel any less confused. "Speak clearly, dammit!"

"While differing greatly in the strength of their powers," Kevin obliged. "The test subjects assembled in this facility all possess the same ability as Shion. They're capable of communicating with U-DO. They can convey their will to U-DO."

"It's possible to communicate with that thing?!" Jr. exclaimed, dumbfounded.

"Yes, but it leads to their own death. Unable to stand the stress of direct contact with U-DO, they eventually fall into a coma and die. And so will Shion."

"But Shion can just avoid communicating with U-DO, right?" MOMO asked hopefully. "Then she won't have to suffer the consequences."

"She can't," chaos said grimly. "You can't run away from U-DO..."

"U-DO chooses to make contact on its own?" Jin said, perplexed. "Are you saying these waves have a will?"

 _If only you knew how cognizant they are_ , Shion thought, _probably more so than you_. U-DO was currently listening to the conversation about itself, offering no comments. It hadn't left her mind for a long time now. Shion grew so comfortable with it that she almost stopped paying attention.

"There's more," Kevin said. "And it's about KOS-MOS. The source of her power comes from U-DO, and it's getting channeled to her through its uniquely powerful link with Shion. That means that while KOS-MOS is continuously animated thanks to U-DO's power, Shion is gradually losing her life force each moment that KOS-MOS exists."

Everybody looked at KOS-MOS as if they saw her for the first time.

"If that is the case," KOS-MOS said. "I am ready to stop functioning. Do not try to awaken me, for I will never respond."

Her eyes suddenly closed and she collapsed to the floor ungracefully, head first. Shion gasped. That wasn't supposed to happen! That had never happened before! Something was going very wrong in this iteration of the world.

Shion ran to the heap on the ground. The sight of it finally got to her, and the numbness she felt inside dissipated, replaced by a sense of warmth. _KOS-MOS, my daugther_ … Shion suddenly realized that even if KOS-MOS chiseled away at her life force by the mere act of living, she didn't really mind.

"KOS-MOS, wake up!" she called out. "Stop acting like a clown and stand up already!"

But she knew deep inside it was useless. KOS-MOS said that she wouldn't respond anymore, and never once in her lifetime had she said anything but the truth.

"Shion, it doesn't really matter," Kevin commented. "We have T-elos to replace KOS-MOS."

 _Except that my daughter can't be replaced._

"Don't you care?!" Shion turned to Kevin. "She's… she's _your_ daughter, too! She is ours!"

"You've always had vivid imagination, Shion," he said, somewhat surprised by her words. "To think of your creation as your child is a beautiful metaphor, but the real KOS-MOS is nothing but a means to an end. Just like T-elos. So calm down and come with me…"

"Go to hell, Kevin!"

* * *

"It appears that some things have diverged from their path," Wilhelm mused in a slightly puzzled voice. "Shion and KOS-MOS grew too close, which led to the death of the latter. I don't like surprises, but as of now we didn't suffer any setbacks."

Kevin was standing in front of him. He looked down and pathetic.

"Yes…" he agreed weakly. "Shion refused to come with me…"

Wilhelm looked at him like he was insane for caring, but Kevin didn't notice. The Testament was fully absorbed in his suffering.

"We cannot allow the failsafe to become active," Wilhelm continued speaking. "To avoid more surprises, we'll have to restrain Yeshua. I am curious how he is going to react."

"Why did she refuse?" Kevin whined, not listening. "We could be together right now!"

"You aren't that good of a manipulator, that's why," Wilhelm said, finally addressing his woes. "And reading the mood isn't your forte... However, follow my directions, and all will be going according to plan."

* * *

"U.M.N. column pulse received," MOMO said. "Time axis confirmed. We're in the present!"

They received a signal from the Durandal floating in space nearby. Soon the Elsa was already docked on it, and the whole group ran fast to the Durandal's bridge. Except for KOS-MOS who was carried to her pod and left to lie motionless inside.

"Something is currently moving through the U.M.N., little Master," Shelly informed Jr. "It emits a unique wave. The U.M.N. shows that planetary bodies disappear in its wake."

"That's Abel's Ark," chaos said. "And there's only one place in can be going…"

Jr. shot him a confused glance. He'd never heard about any 'abelzarcs'.

"The disappearance phenomenon is expanding!" Shelley said anxiously, watching the U.M.N. on her screen. "At this rate, half of the Federation will vanish within 72 hours!"

* * *

In the repairs room, near the KOS-MOS' pod, Shion was hiding away from everybody else. She wanted to think. She felt confused. KOS-MOS was gone, and for all Shion knew, that was final. KOS-MOS was never known to jest. If she said she'd never awaken again, then she was as good as dead. This pod was as good as her coffin.

Shion put her head in her hands. Was she making a right choice to stick to U-DO's plan? Right now it was hard to think. No matter the outcome of the plan, KOS-MOS was not coming back. It's happened again. She lost another being dear to her.

Jin was still on the bridge with everyone else, and chaos had to be there, too. Chaos who chose to throw their love away for the sake of his alternative plan. Why was life so full of loss?

 _Are you afraid of being isolated from the world_? U-DO asked. _Are you afraid of people rejecting you?_

 _Afraid…_ she thought. _I am afraid of being alone._

 _What does it mean for you to be alone? Is it more terrifying than death?_

 _I don't know. I don't understand anything. Help me, please. Tell me who I am! Tell me why I live!_

 _You put so much value into relationships with others_ … U-DO said. _That losing them means you have no meaning to your life left_.

 _And that's wrong?! Shut up, freak, you aren't even human, so what do you know?!_

But deep inside she knew that U-DO's words had value. Indeed, it zeroed in on the flaw that brought her so much suffering: her priorities. Were she to live for work, she'd only have to keep her job to be happy. But she lived for something unstable, and it wasn't surprising that losing it rendered her devastated each time.

Then perhaps it would be better to cut off all new links that she'd made recently? Even the last one, with her brother? If she did that, would she be able to look into a different direction and discover another meaning to life? Or would she find out that life isn't worth living at all?

* * *

The door to the repairs room slid open, and chaos walked in. He was the last person Shion wanted to see. She tried to ignore him, not knowing what to say or do. He walked to her and sat beside her.

"Please, don't reject everything and everyone," he said, apparently sensing her mood well. "If you stay like this, you'll wind up alone…"

"It's so like you!" Shion exploded. "You say things that sound caring and kind, but meanwhile _you're_ the one who hurts me!"

"I need you." Confessing that, chaos looked directly into her eyes. "Even if we disagree on important things. Even if the salvation you and U-DO hope to bring to the world might not make me happy. But it isn't easy for me to oppose it, either. Right now I need you more than ever."

Shion gasped. It didn't occur to her to think of it like that. Indeed, it couldn't be easy. A planned sacrificial suicide took courage, and being left all alone before it… that sounded dreadful.

She still couldn't find it in her to reach out to him, but when chaos took her hands in his, she didn't pull away.

"I want to keep the bond we've got," chaos said. "Even if it's difficult and painful. We can destroy our relationship in hope to diminish suffering, but will it really be what's best for both of us?"

He moved closer and kissed her. It was a kiss devoid of any lust and desire, a kiss of pure feeling.


	21. Chapter 21

"So, where did you say abelzarc was headed, chaos?" Jr. asked. 'Michtam? Right! Then there we go."

They were all gathered on the bridge of the Durandal.

According to U-DO, that was their final destination, everything would be decided and finalized in that place. Shion felt anxious. She still wanted to have more time, for chaos if nothing else, because it was hard to predict how things would turn out in the long run. Hers and U-DO's plan might horribly fail, and then Wilhelm's plan would fail, too, for some important ingredients for it would be gone. So chaos might even have to sacrifice himself in the end. Either way, there was precious little time they had before all hell would break loose.

Shion signed. It was her own fault. She'd wasted so much time avoiding chaos after she found out about his suicidal plan. She still felt hurt by his decision, still felt betrayed, but right now she'd rather spend more time with him feeling hurt than no time at all.

"Hey Shion," Jr. said, walking up to her. "I just wanted to say… Just in case, that I understand why you did that. It's ok. If you didn't, I'd have to do it myself anyway, so it's fine."

He turned his back and walked away as fast as possible. Jr. wasn't one for personal topics. Shion knew well what he meant to say, though: he was no doubt speaking about Albedo's death by her hand. Apparently Jr. felt the end was near, too, and didn't want to leave any bad blood between them. Shion felt good. It felt incredibly good to be forgiven.

"What's happening with the planetary disappearances?" Jin asked loudly, so that everybody on the bridge could hear him.

"Approximately half of all Galaxy Federation planets have disappeared at this point."

"So…" Ziggy addressed chaos. "Your assumption is that Abel's Ark is causing this phenomenon? Where is it now?"

"It appears to be landing on Michtam," Shelley informed them. "And oh joy, Merkabah is landing along with it!"

"What?! My father's…" Jr. exclaimed. "What do you guys think my old man is up to?"

 _He aims to defeat me_ , U-DO said. _That unfortunate, misguided creature._

Naturally, Shion didn't repeat U-DO's words out loud. So, Dmitri Yuriev was going to fight U-DO, or rather try to. He was doomed to fail. She wished that instead of having to deal with him, she'd spend some time with chaos. And Jin. She wanted some time with her brother, as well.

* * *

They'd be landing on Michtam in mere minutes, so there was little time. Gesturing for chaos and Jin to follow her, Shion left the bridge and quickly walked to the lounge nearby. It was empty.

"Now, you two," she said. "It's not much, but I want to convey my feelings to you."

First, she gave chaos a hug. Jin raised his eyebrows but remained silent. He didn't want to steal the little time they had by asking what chaos did and whether it was worth it to make up with him. He felt a brotherly urge to do that, but managed to suppress it for the first time in his life.

Then Shion gave a hug to Jin, whose face showed so much shock that chaos smiled.

"Shion…" Jin mumbled, trying to find correct words.

"Shut up. Are you going to hug me back or what?"

And he complied with a joyful heart. The wall between them as sister and brother was completely taken down. Shion hoped that it wasn't their last moment together, that they'd have time together in future to behave like a normal family, like a real family that she foolishly thought she didn't have for such a long time.

"So, here we all are," she said, taking a few steps back. "Only one member of the family is missing. What she did was noble beyond words, but so painfully meaningless…"

She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to call out to KOS-MOS.

 _My condolences_ , U-DO replied. It was the only thing that heard her call.

"Allow me to explain myself, too," chaos said. "We've talked about kindness a lot, what it means and how it should be practiced. But apart from kindness, there is responsibility. Sometimes, when you need to take responsibility, you have to inevitably hurt someone you love."

Shion heard the confession in it. She'd be happy to hear it at any other moment, but right now it was so bitter.

"It's not like I believe myself to be perfectly right," chaos continued. "I feel like a piece of shit for having to hurt you. If I continued to live, I'd probably regret this to the end of my days. But that's my decision."

Shion faced him.

"And _I_ think that our conversations about kindness were meaningless," she shrugged. "What you want is kind from the point of view of the Gnosis, but it's plain evil from my point of view, because it hurts me. Kindness is relative. It's neither true, nor false. There's no good and evil in this world, everything has too many sides. You think what I want is wrong and evil, too, but I believe it to be the best way."

"I suppose that's a personal topic I wasn't privy to?" Jin inquired.

"Yes."

It was too late to inform him about everything. They had no time. Shion regretted this. She realized now that chaos was right when he told her that sharing things meaningful to oneself drew people closer. Too bad she hadn't shared anything like that with Jin.

"I have a confession to make, as well," she said. "KOS-MOS taught me how oblivious I was. I failed to see my own family, to recognize its importance. And focusing on romance didn't ultimately make me feel any better. But I have to thank chaos, he fulfilled my dream about perfect love and then shattered it. Which forced me to accept the truth that a real romance could never match a dream. Not a dream about an eternal perfect love. It could always be shattered, after all. I realize now that all bonds, even romantic ones, are unsteady and unrealiable. And that's good, in its own way. If you want love, the least you can do is collect more people to love than less."

She smiled, turning to face Jin.

"But on top of that, I realized that perhaps there's something more to life than love."

"Like what?" Jin asked.

"I haven't discovered it yet. But I have a feeling that by the end of this day I might."

* * *

After landing on Michtam, the group didn't know where to go at first. The Ark and Dmitri Yuriev's Merkabah were supposed to be somewhere in the vicinity, but it wasn't entirely clear where.

"Where's my father?!" Jr. said, addressing no one in particular.

"You should be able to tell," chaos said patiently. "Just search. URTVs are connected to each other, right?"

"Gaignun…" Jr. said with a sense of great longing.

He turned around a few times, then stopped and pointed his finger in a particular direction.

* * *

Dmitri Yuriev was waiting for them. He stood in a comfortable manner in front of a mecha that looked familiar to Shion. The mecha was holding the Zohar in its grasp. And this is why she had to go to Yuriev: she needed the Zohar.

Shion knew perfectly well where she'd seen that mecha before. It was fighting KOS-MOS back at the Fifth Jerusalem, during that demonstration test. It was the mecha with the U-DO waves, piloted by Abel, the mecha that went out of control.

"Finally you made it here," Yuriev said calmly.

"I'll kill you!" Jr. declared, not calmly at all. "Hey Gaignun, can you hear me?!"

"Why are you doing such a stupid thing?" Shion asked.

"I imagine you've heard from my son," Yuriev said. "I'd made a contact with U-DO and was implanted with inescapable fear…"

 _Why was I not?_ Shion wondered.

"I trembled before that fear. I struggled against it and ran. But eventually, I realized that this fear was in fact what shackles people to the human realm. To overcome it requires the power of God."

Shion shook her head. She could see where Albedo's penchant for drama came from. Albedo had more flair, but the way Yuriev talked sounded almost like a copy of Albedo. Or rather like a prototype, in this case.

 _The fear was the result of him seeing the vision of the future_ , U-DO explained helpfully. _Back then I could only see the end of the world…_

Shion sighed. But of course! Only now that Shion could communicate with U-DO in an unprecedentally 'full' way it could see something else instead of the end of the world ahead of them. Because of Shion and their incredibly powerful connection, U-DO had hope. But Yuriev was unlucky and communicated with it earlier when all it was anticipating was death for this world.

"I sought divine power and this is why I came to Michtam," Yuriev continued explaining. "I will obtain Zarathustra that sleeps on Michtam and ascend to a higher plane, to the realm of God!"

"What makes you think," Shion asked skeptically. "That U-DO is going to allow you to ascend to its realm? Do you really think you can use its power without its agreement?"

Yuriev frowned. His body became suddenly clouded by pink fog.

"You're infected!" Jr. said with disgust.

"Nonsense! This is _power!"_

Shion felt sorry for Yuriev. He was ultimately just driven to the wall by the fear of death. U-DO had implanted him with its knowledge about the end of the world during their contact, most likely subconsciously, and all he's been doing from then on was just trying to find a way to survive.

His plan made sense to Shion. If he'd become like U-DO, an immortal god, he'd never have to fear death again.

The fight broke out, and Yuriev proved to be extremely resilient. Shion was standing back, she didn't really want to fight him, she was observing the mecha behind him instead and waiting.

"You're just wasting your time," Yuriev said in about twenty minutes of fighting. "My power is infinite. As long as I have the Zohar, this power will never fade!"

It was time. Shion concentrated on the mecha that was holding the Zohar and Abel within. She closed her eyes for better focus and inhaled deeply.

"You're way in over your head!" a familiar voice announced dramatically. "That power is not yours."

Shion opened her eyes for a fraction of a second. Albedo, right on time, very punctual. They were allies now, at least for as long as she was pretending to be Wilhelm's ally. She focused on the mecha again to fulfill her part of the bargain. _Go out of control once again! Release the Zohar!_

"Albedo?!" Jr. exclaimed. "You're alive? But you… I thought that you…"

The mecha flinched, and the Zohar fell out of its grasp. That was Shion's doing. The Zohar flew upwards into the sky and disappeared into thin air. That was Albedo's doing. He has sent it to Wilhelm and now Yuriev's source of power was gone. The two made a good team.

Yuriev was furious. Shion shook her head. She knew that the URTV brothers were going to kill him, and she didn't like it, but who was she to change his destiny and oppose her friends' will? Yuriev was possessing Gaignun's body, after all.

She glanced at chaos, wondering if she really was right and there was something more to life than love. He looked back. She would never be able to forgive him while what she was searching for was 'perfect love', for their relationship was far from perfect, like any real relationship in this world. And he was far from perfect, like any other being in this world.

She glanced at Jin, who was staring intensely at Yuriev. Her brother wasn't perfect, and he didn't need to be. Not any longer. Real beings had flaws, that was what Shion has learned, but those flaws shouldn't be the end of the world. Acceptance of these flaws and forgiveness, however, rested on the premise that the dream of a perfect relationship was not as important as to eclipse the reality of it.

What was it that made the idea of eternal flawless love so wrongly, twistedly important? Shion knew in her heart that the explanation was simple. Chaos had explained it long ago, when he talked about infants who didn't receive enough love. There was a time when she didn't receive proper love, for whatever reasons. And now she was overcompensating for it, looking for love that would be eternal. But she didn't want to be one of those miserable people caught in a cycle of looking for something that didn't exist.

"Everyone, let's go!" Shion said, waving her thoughts away. It was time. "Jr. and Albedo can deal with Yuriev on their own."

Ziggy nodded authoritatively, and they moved on. Shion knew that in this iteration of the world they were close to Wilhelm already, and T-elos would meet them in the next room.


	22. Chapter 22

_Shion, why do you exist in this world? What does your heart tries to see in the abyss of despair? Where is the real you?_

Shion clenched her fists. U-DO had a way of rubbing salt into her wounds. It always asked the most salient of questions and chose the damnedest of times to do that.

 _What am I?_ U-DO continued its monologue. _That's right, I'm alone... Who will define me?_

Shion was surprised for a moment. It hadn't occurred to her that U-DO could feel lonely.

 _I will define you,_ she thought fiercely. _You and I have a single purpose, my friend. Let's make it count._

* * *

It was time to awaken Mary, even though Shion shuddered to imagine the consequences. People would all start turning into the Gnosis after she awakens. She could only hope that U-DO's plan was going to work out...

"I'm going in!" she announced.

Chaos hugged her. This time it was not as romantic as a random observer would wrongly decide, for he hugged her in order to catch her before the fall.

* * *

A huge hall with the stone floor beneath her feet. Candles lit all over the place, casting uneven dim light mixed with shadows. Shion walked through the hall and suddenly spotted... chaos. He was wearing unfamiliar white clothes. She stared at him speechless for a moment. She did _not_ expect that. Was it chaos from six thousand years ago? U-DO didn't warn her.

"Why are _you_ here?" she asked.

"Since you're here, it must mean that you've come for her."

"Yeah… Where is she?"

He pointed at the casket. Approaching it, Shion lifted the plate and saw a woman. She had a darker skin and wore a long blue dress. She looked just like KOS-MOS. Shion smiled tenderly upon seeing those dear features again.

 _We're in the past,_ U-DO said. _Six thousand years ago._

 _Too late to inform me, I've already figured out that the time shift went well…_

In truth, Shion was surprised she could execute a huge shift of time as easily as this. She surely hoped for it, but it was still surprising. Previously she had to be in an extraordinary situation to do that. To shift them to Miltia of many years ago, to summon the Gnosis, all of that required her to be under a great deal of stress. But now...

 _Now I'm closer_ , U-DO said. _You can use my power almost as if I was the one in your body._

So that was all thanks to U-DO. Shion tensed when sharp pain shot through her chest without a warning. Her body was gradually starting to give in, overloaded with U-DO's presence and power.

Shion looked up. Chaos was still standing nearby, watching her activities around the casket. She felt curious about this version of him. It had to be like an infant compared to his version in the present. Even though it apparently knew she would come…

"You knew," Shion said slowly, puzzled by that thought. "You knew I'd be coming. But how?"

"I was told so by the God of this world."

 _Me_ , U-DO clarified after Shion found herself confused.

 _But you're no god_ …

 _You can help me become something more._

"But how?" Shion asked. "Can you actually verbally communicate with U… with God?"

"Indirectly. I had a dream just now. And here you are."

A dream. It started with a 'dream' for Shion, as well. All of a sudden it dawned on her. U-DO didn't warn him six thousand years ago, no way! Back then it had no hope, right? So it issued a warning very recently, once it got more power to communicate with the beings of this world. Apparently its power was strong enough now that it could reach even to other people, not only her. And even though time.

Shion turned her attention back to the woman in the casket. _Mary_. It was strange to call her by that name, for she had KOS-MOS' face. For the first time Shion thought that she knew how Juli Mizrahi felt about MOMO at first: KOS-MOS had the same face as her daughter, yet she wasn't her daughter. It felt creepy and wrong and, above all, it felt bitter. Shion wanted nothing more than to see her daughter now instead of Mary.

Suppressing the feelings of regret by sheer force of will, Shion touched Mary's face. A number of visions flashed through her mind. She could barely make sense of them, but those were visions about Mary and chaos together. They had to be close friends or even in love. The last vision was heart-wrenching, and Shion realized she could feel Mary's emotions if she tried. She was sad, so sad. She was standing in a field amidst white flowers, and tears trickled down her face.

Shion put the pieces of the puzzle together. That was the moment when Mary decided to sacrifice herself to seal the Power of Anima. Was her goal to stop the end of the world, or was it to save chaos? Probably both. But death was never an easy choice.

Shion stepped into that vision, causing a new time shift and finding herself a participant of yet more distant past. Mary was still standing in the field of white flowers, crying silently alone. Shion could feel her pain, the pain of loss. She didn't want to never have to see chaos again. She was confused. And scared. Yet so much responsibility was on her shoulders. She had to sacrifice herself, for as far as she knew there was no other choice to make things better.

Was that how chaos felt _now?_

"I understand, Mary," Shion said aloud. "I understand everything... Let's find out the truth together."

Mary trembled slightly at the sound of her voice, but didn't turn her head. She was so engulfed in her sadness that she hardly cared for any interference. Shion made a few steps forward and hugged Mary from behind.

"Let's find out who we are and what the meaning of our lives is... Let's look for the answers together."

In a minute Mary gripped her hand in response.

* * *

When Shion finally came to, she was lying on the floor. Everybody was gathered around her.

"It's alright," she said, trying to stand. "Don't worry about me."

Footsteps sounded nearby, heading into their direction. They turned their heads. It was T-elos, which wasn't news for Shion, but others looked startled. Shion looked at her intently, searching for any signs of Mary.

"Did it work?.." Shion asked.

"Mary's Will is inside me," T-elos informed, as haughty as ever.

Shion tensed. That meant that all over the universe, people were transforming into the Gnosis now. This was the point of no return. If she messes up, that was the present they'd be left with. A world full of Gnosis. She never wanted to cause this, it was entirely unnecessary, but she could not diverge from Wilhelm's plan without drawing his suspicion real fast.

She wondered if chaos from six thousand years ago knew what would happen once Mary awakens. Probably not, after all, he was such a goody-two-shoes that U-DO would rather not tell him to avoid a tantrum. It was all so ironic.

"Shion, welcome!" a voice sounded nearby. "And Mary, too."

Kevin appeared in front of them.

"Oh, Kevin," Shion sighed. "Please spare me this long conversation with you that I know you're going to start. I'm not currently interested in perfect eternal love."

"But…"

"Just go on further."

"Alright…"

He looked pathetic and miserable, but he complied and went forward, out of the room. T-elos followed him in silence.

Chaos gave Shion a perplexed look, to put it mildly. He had no idea that she was 'in league' with Wilhelm. As far as he knew, she and U-DO had their own thing going.

"What's going on, Shion?!" Jr. asked. "Can you explain yourself? You're talking to them like they're allies and you know the others."

"They _are_ allies," she said, knowing that Wilhelm was spying on them, as always. "Let's go and you'll see everything for yourselves."

* * *

The room up ahead was huge and spacious. A shining construction was looming in the air above. It was made out of the Zohar and some other parts that Shion recognized. Zarathustra. That was the device that Wilhelm planned to use to launch another Recurrence.

Wilhelm himself stood in front of it. He turned their way when they came in. Kevin was standing behind him.

"What is the director of Vector doing here?!" Jr. exclaimed. "Really, what the hell?!"

Shion felt sorry for Jr. She must've felt the same way as him during all those previous iterations of the world. Before U-DO and she became close enough to forge a link to communicate meaningfully, she was just as ignorant about everything as Jr. was now.

"That is one of titles that define me," Wilhelm deigned to reply. "It defines me, but it isn't _me_. So far, the only one who can define me is you, Yeshua."

Shion giggled, feeling oddly victorious.

"That was one incredibly sentimental confession," she said, trying to stop laughing. "I told you that you _were_ in denial when you said you couldn't care less for the bonds between beings."

It was no doubt a confession in its own right. Shion shot a glance at chaos. He looked thoughtful. She didn't doubt for a second that he felt the same kind of unique bond between them that Wilhelm did. It was no joke to be the only two beings in the world whose lives spanned six thousand years.

"Who's Yeshua, dammit?!" Jr. called out in desperation. "Shion, who is he even talking to?! We have no Yeshua in the party!"

He looked around, trying to spot a stranger hiding somewhere else in the room.

"Alright, someone, explain it to me!" Jr. screamed out angrily in half a minute of looking. "Like, to hell with your Yeshua, but what is this giant thing in the room?"

He pointed one of his pistols at Zarathustra above.

"Zarathustra was created by people in ancient times," Wilhelm obliged. He certainly felt relaxed enough to waste time talking. "It was supposed to be used to ascend to the realm of God. But it didn't turn out the way that people expected. God did not permit mankind's actions… So, _I_ bestowed upon it a new role."

"Huh? You?!"

"Redoing everything from the start by sending everything into the flow of imaginary time," Wilhelm continued. "This is the role I gave to Zarathustra."

"Sorry, man, but you've cleared up nothing so far. Now I understand even less!"

"U-DO is God himself. We will cover the eyes of God, remove its influence from this world, and start up the recurrence through Zarathustra. After all, that is the reason why I exist."

Shion envied Wilhelm. Everything was so simple for him. He knew why he existed. She did not.

"Shion, your will is even stronger than I expected," Wilhelm addressed her. "You chose to start things over for the sake of saving the one you love. It's such an incredibly human choice... Now _I_ will make use of your power. Start Zarathustra up."

Chaos looked shocked this time. He was utterly confused. Did Shion really throw away the plan she concocted with U-DO and was assisting Wilhelm now? For his sake?

 _Now,_ Shion thought, addressing U-DO. _Do it now!_

There was no time to explain anything to chaos. And she didn't want to, anyway. The less he knew about what she was doing, the better the chances she'd thwart his own suicidal plan. She even kept the details of hers and U-DO's plan from him for that purpose, after all. She smiled a farewell smile at him and Jin, for the last time.

The pink waves, visible now to more than just her mind's eye, enveloped her body. A reddish aura blazed furiously all around her.

"That's… U-DO?!" Jr. screamed. "Shion is infected! Hey guys, do something!"

Never before had Shion felt as close to U-DO as now. It wasn't just in her mind anymore, it was inside of her physical body. And her physical body wouldn't hold out in such a close contact for long, she knew that. Looking at each of her friends for the last time, she slid down to the ground slowly. She was breathing hard, her vision was going blurry. It would all be over in mere minutes.

"Dying prematurely this time?" Wilhelm said, much calmer than expected. "Now that is annoying..."


	23. Chapter 23

When it opened its eyes, it saw a bunch of concerned faces above it.

"Thank you, Wilhelm," chaos said with relief, eyes slightly red from crying. "I am forever in your debt."

"I didn't turn her into a Testament for _you_ ," Wilhelm commented. "But you're allowed to think so, if that is what pleases you."

It pushed away Yeshua and stood up for the first time. It was now connected to Wilhelm in the most unusual way. The body it resided in was dead, yet alive, animated through Wilhelm's life force and feeding off of it.

 _Please treat my body well,_ Shion said inside of its mind in a playful voice. _I still love it!_

They've traded places, and now U-DO was in control, while Shion was pushed back into the back of its mind. For the first time ever, U-DO has physically stepped into their world. Wilhelm had done what they intended for him to do. Shion's body, a body of a mere mortal, could've never withstood U-DO being in direct possession of it, for it had a very limited life force. But now that Wilhelm gave it a permanent 'channel' to his own life force, her body would last as long as Wilhelm's would last. Now it was not outside of the realm of possibility for U-DO to do what they've planned to do to prevent the end of the world.

"Wait a moment," Jin frowned. "What am I seeing? The U-DO waves, they're still around Shion."

"It's likely a permanent infection." Wilhelm shrugged. "Let's hope that my life force is sufficiently large to withstand U-DO's impact long enough to finish things up... Shion, activate Zarathustra now."

It turned to Zarathustra above their heads and gave it a look, a look that sent an insivible wave of energy towards it, a wave strong enough that it had everybody's skin crawl. Zarathustra obediently started turning around, transforming itself into a reddish shining sphere.

"This isn't what you were supposed to do," Wilhelm commented. "Foolish creature! Now everything will perish... Even Yeshua."

Wilhelm took a look at chaos, with a hint of sorrow. MOMO followed that look.

"Shion was right," she said. "You do care for him."

Wilhelm ignored her words. There were more pressing matters to attend to than a little girl's observations. Much more pressing and disturbing, indeed. Wilhelm walked closer to Shion and looked at her a disbelieving manner, as if what he was seeing in front of him couldn't be quite real. Then he made up him mind and smiled about it. He appeared curious and amused rather than angry.

"That's right," Wilhelm said, leaning closer to Shion. "I can sense it. It's _you."_

It looked at Wilhelm threateningly, and Wilhelm made a few careful steps back.

"Zarathustra is now ready to perform its old purpose," it informed everybody with Shion's voice. "A human can now successfully ascend to another realm, and that particular human would be Shion."

"I swear I'll go nuts one day, Shion," Jr. complained. "I don't get anything, and now you're talking about yourself in the third person…"

"No, it isn't," Wilhelm shook his head. "For a mere human being has no power to change the purpose of Zarathustra. Behold, ladies and gentlemen, U-DO has graced us with its presence today."

Shocked silence followed. Nobody could object, as what Wilhelm said made perfect sense.

"The ascension will not lead to the realm of God this time," it continued, failing to care about everybody's reaction. "The new destination is the imaginary number realm."

"The Gnosis abode?" Wilhelm asked, surprised. "I start to understand…"

"Lucky you!" Jr. exclaimed.

"All this time, for many millennia," it continued. "I used to be a powerless observer without a proper medium to house me and without a way to exert my power over anything. But now that I can go there myself, with all my real power, the Gnosis are to be utterly annihilated."

"But the Gnosis used to be _people,_ " chaos said, alarmed. "Mary, I know that you're there, inside of T-elos! Help me stop this madness. Let's draw our powers out of Zarathustra and prevent U-DO from sending itself into their realm."

 _He really is ready to sacrifice himself for his ideals,_ Shion thought. _He'll sacrifice even Mary…_

Wilhelm watched, as if the most intriguing theatre play was now unfolding on stage in front of him. He didn't really have anything else to do anyway, for he could hardly order U-DO around. His part was as good as done. Not only Shion was missing, but Zarathustra's purpose has changed. The Eternal Recurrence was truly done for.

"It was a masterful trick you pulled on me, U-DO," Wilhelm admitted. "I'd have never allowed you to come here on my own free will... Who'd have thought that I'd end up helplessly dying in your trap? I can take a loss gracefully, however. Good luck with your plan."

"But Shion, Shion!" Kevin exclaimed. "Will she ever come back to us?"

"How would I know that?" Wilhelm said without a trace of concern. "Forget her, we currenly have other matters at hand to attend to. For instance, one stubborn Gnosis-loving individual."

Chaos was shaking T-elos by her shoulders, trying to talk to Mary inside her. T-elos kept looking at him in her usual manner of looking at people, namely, as if he was vermin beneath her feet. Kevin teleported closer to them, grabbed chaos and pushed him away rudely.

"Don't you understand?" Kevin said. "U-DO's solution will help us destroy all the Gnosis for good. That means we'll have millenia more before the end of the world, _and_ we can pull off this trick once again! What else could you even be planning that's better?"

"I want to lead everybody to the Lost Jerusalem, all lost souls. Do you hear me, Mary? I'll start alone if I have to, but please join in. I can't draw out my power in full without you."

"Why Lost Jerusalem?" Ziggy asked. "And you're forgetting it's gone."

"I can bring it back if I use all my power. There is something on it that will allow all these lost souls to be reborn as human beings again."

Chaos looked at Mary who crossed her arms on her chest stubbornly, shook his head and turned to Zarathustra instead. He stretched out his hands, and the shining rays of light shone from the inside of Zarathustra and started flowing towards him.

Suddenly he swayed and fell, wincing from what looked like a lot of pain. The pink waves enveloped his body.

 _Don't harm him!_

 _But you said you'd be fine with anything it takes to make our plan work._

 _That doesn't mean I feel delighted to see you torturing one of my favorite beings._

"Yeshua!" T-elos exclaimed in a strange voice, devoid of haughtiness and pride. She ran towards him and shook his form on the ground. "Yeshua, are you alright?!"

U-DO turned away from them, flew upwards and took a course towards the center of Zarathustra. A few confused individuals, among which Jr. naturally happened to be, followed its passage with their eyes. U-DO paused at the center of Zarathustra.

"So what will it be?" Wilhelm asked. "I'm awaiting your actions with bated breath..."

A loud noise filled the room all of a sudden, and the sense of time flow changed. It was strange a strange sensation to feel the passage of time turn backwards. It was too rapid, unpleasant and caused a lot of dizziness. Nobody managed to continue standing, they fell onto the floor helplessly. Then the sensation reversed itself, and for a while it felt like time was rapidly flowing forward.

Finally the sensation has stopped, and a videophone signal came in. Jr. hurriedly took his videophone out of his pocket.

"The little master, how are things over there? The U.M.N. columns are apparently back here," captain Matthews said. "What's going on? I thought the U.M.N. was gone for good…"

"Don't ask _me_ what's going on, dammit!"

"How much of the U.M.N. can you see?" chaos asked.

"It's back in full, as far as I can see," Matthew's voice informed them. "As astounding as it is."

Everybody exchanged glances.

"What about the planetary disappearance?" Jin inquired.

"One second… That's strange, but it looks like all planets are back. Yes, they're exactly as they should be. What's going on?"

"I have an idea," chaos said. "Check Miltia."

"Miltia... Miltia is there!" Captain Matthews said, bewildered. "But how? It was gone fourteen years ago..."

"A massive double time shift," chaos said. He looked thoughtful now. "U-DO scrolled time backwards and changed the past, then scrolled it forward, back to the future. We're now in the version of the world that has never been invaded by the Gnosis in the first place."

He still swayed a little, and T-elos helped him stand straight. That little bit of personal torture from U-DO had an impact.

 _Mary, take care of him_ , Shion thought. _Jin, take care of yourself. Everybody, goodbye._

"Mary, take care of him," U-DO repeated out loud, speaking from the center of Zarathustra. "Jin, take care of yourself. Everybody, goodbye."

And the red lights flared all over Zarathustra, nearly blinding everybody in the room. When they were finally gone, Shion's body was nowhere to be seen anymore. U-DO has successfully made a leap into the imaginary number realm.

Wilhelm was still on the ground. Kevin helped him sit up, but he looked quite ill.

"We have a tiny issue," Wilhelm announced. "This massive time shift on a global scale, which I wouldn't have thought was possible, devoured nine tenth of my life force, no less... Which means that there's not enough left for U-DO to deal with the Gnosis. And if it fails to annihilate them, they're going to invade this pristine new world once again."

Wilhelm was rather relaxed and blasé about the fact that he was going to die, possibly in mere minutes. He felt that his duty as the protector of the human realm had been fulfilled, regardless of what would happen now. He did everything that he possibly could.

"Mary," Wilhelm called out. "Since I'm dying soon, know that you were my first... mistake. Back in time I was naïve and young and believed in love, and you 'broke my heart', as romantics foolishly exaggerate, by rejecting me. Of course, now I know love isn't worth crying for, but I still remember that naïve beginning of my life with some fondness… And now you'd do well to pretend that I never said that. Goodbye, Yeshua, it was a pleasure to have you around for these long six thousand years."

Chaos was looking at him, torn between his feelings and believes. U-DO had no chance to destroy all of the Gnosis now, but that didn't make him feel content at all. Shion would not return, either, there would be no energy left for that. He felt incredibly sad. There was no happiness in such a victory.

Suddenly a memory came to him, a memory of meeting U-DO long ago that he wasn't sure was real.

"What... was that?" he said out loud, frowning. "Was U-DO the one who told me six thousand years ago that Mary would eventually be saved from death? No, that didn't happen... And it did, at the same time."

"Oh, paradoxes of life." Wilhelm half-smiled. "It was done recently, don't you see? Through Shion, U-DO became powerful enough to communicate through time."

"How about through space and across the worlds?" chaos asked hopefully. "U-DO, if you're capable of hearing me, then stop all of this and return Shion to this world. It's over, Wilhelm's life force is almost burnt out and will not be enough to cover for your plan. You're going to kill him and Shion for nothing."

 _Your life force_ , a voice resounded in his head. _Your own life force can make it work._

Never in six thousand years had chaos faced such a decision. He could stand by his original plan or help U-DO and Shion. In both cases he'd die, but he didn't care for his life at the moment. What would be the best choice? That much responsibility wasn't pleasant to have. It was so much easier to believe himself to be in the right when he wasn't the one making the final choice.

"Everyone, talk to me," chaos said in despair, looking down.

"It's tricky, indeed," Wilhelm said. He didn't hear U-DO talking to chaos but he understood perfectly well what his options were. "You save the Gnosis and our universe might eventually perish, or you abandon them and it might eventually perish. When all is said and done, we have no final solution, both of them are temporary."

"If I lead them to the Lost Jerusalem…"

"Then this will most likely help," Mary nodded with enthusiasm. "The Gnosis would leave the imaginary number realm and reside on the Lost Jerusalem instead. But in the process, once I activate my power to help you use yours, a lot of people here would transform into the Gnosis, losing who they are. They will all travel to the Lost Jerusalem, all billions of them..."

Both options sounded grim when compared one to another. It didn't matter what the final choice would be, a lot of suffering would ensue either way. It looked like there was no good choice or bad choice, each choice had a much darker side to it. Morality was helpless in the face of such a situation.

"And now you know how it feels to be me, Yeshua," Wilhelm said. "To be the one making choices beyond good and evil."

Chaos looked at him with a strange expression frozen on his face. It was almost an expression of affection. Chaos accepted that no choice of his would be better than its opposing choice, but there was one thing to help him decide: personal feelings.

"I will not allow you and Shion to die," he said. "Let's channel my power over to you. Mary, please help."

* * *

In a few minutes, the three of them were still miraculously alive. Chaos, Mary, and Wilhelm. U-DO told chaos to stop channeling power to Wilhelm at one point, apparently it was enough to deal with the Gnosis. At that point there was only enough life force left in the three of them to live a very small portion of life. Which was still the length of a human life.

They waited, but U-DO was not coming back.

 _Return Shion to this world_ , chaos thought, starting to worry.

 _I want a friend,_ U-DO responded serenely. _I am tired of being alone_.

 _Please… I love her._

There was a considerable pause before the response came:

 _You're all such strange creatures, never making up your minds… You were ready to sacrifice everything, even your own life, to make your plan work. But now you're suddenly in love with Shion and don't want to part. The strangest creatures across all of the universes._

* * *

End of Xenosaga Episode III: Also Sprach Zarathustra


	24. Chapter 24

**~ONE MONTH AFTER THE EVENTS~**

It was late evening. The lights were still on at the Vector R&D department office, and it was swarming with people. At the center of the room stood an open pod with KOS-MOS' motionless body inside, and a table with food and a big cake was set at the left wall of the office.

Shion and Kevin stood by both sides of the pod, and Wilhelm in front of it, all poised and elegant, as always. Everybody else was around them, waiting.

For the whole last month, Kevin had been working for Vector once again, gathering the consciousness of KOS-MOS dispersed throughout the U.M.N. for Project KOS-MOS 2.0. Shion joined him shortly after coming back.

The clock struck ten.

"Commence!" Wilhelm said with a clap of his hands.

Shion took KOS-MOS' hand into hers and focused all her will on her strong desire to see her. Silence and a sense of anticipation enveloped the room. Tension oozing from the guests was almost palpable.

Slowly, KOS-MOS opened her eyes. Shion sobbed.

"Shion," KOS-MOS said, still confused. "Why are you crying?"

"Nevermind," Shion said, wiping her tears away. "That isn't misery, that's happiness…"

Joyful screams roared all around them, and some fireworks were set off to celebrate.

* * *

A small boy in pyjamas sat on the floor in the midst of all this noise. He was drawing a picture of a red-haired girl who sat on the floor in front of him, posing. Nephilim did not take part in the celebration, for almost nobody could see her and she couldn't interact with the physical world. But she could always interact with Abel and often came to see him.

* * *

Kevin was pouring champagne into the glasses, and chaos was cutting the big cake into pieces for all the guests.

"Can I get that one?" Mary asked. She was seated uncomfortably far from the cake.

"No problem!" Jr. said and stretched his hand to grab the piece of cake she was eyeing.

But this time even his super sharp URTV reflexes proved useless. The piece of cake was snatched away by Wilhelm from right under his noise and presented to Mary with the most charming smile.

MOMO giggled and gestured at Shion to get her attention. When Shion looked back, she pointed at Wilhelm, sitting close to Mary and chatting to her amiably, and drew a heart in the air.

"What were you doing with your hands just now, MOMO?" Jr. asked. "Is that some secret code between Shion and you? Hey, Alby, that was _my_ cake! Give it back, you little rascal!"

And he broke into a chase after a small white doggie with violet eyes that stole his food. Alby proved to be an incredibly naughty dog. It didn't even want the cake, it just liked to steal from Jr.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" Ziggy asked MOMO, coming over. "Are you enjoying the party?"

"Oh yes, a lot. Sit down, Ziggy and you, too, mom!"

Juli has followed Ziggy and they sat on both sides of MOMO, enveloping her in a sense of familial warmth. For all she cared, Juli was her real mother, and Ziggy was like the dearest uncle to her.

* * *

"KOS-MOS, we have a surprise for you," Jin said. "Meet a new family member. Wait… Shion, did you get him? Here, KOS-MOS, meet Abel Uzuki, your new little brother."

KOS-MOS studied the boy attentively.

"That one used to pilot Res Novae and was communicating with U-D…" she started saying, but Shion gestured for her to stop.

"True," she whispered. "But nobody needs to know."

U-DO was now gone from this world, refusing to burn through Shion's life anymore, or through anybody else's, for that matter. The life spans of all of them – chaos, Wilhelm, and Mary – were tiny and human-like now, as well as those of the Testaments: Kevin and Shion. All of them would most likely live a life of a roughly equal, normal length of a human being. That has changed things around drastically for some of them.

* * *

At the office balcony, Shion was breathing some fresh air alone, while the dances commenced inside. She's just run away from Kevin's endless dance requests.

She didn't stand there alone for long, however, as chaos followed her.

"I want to show you something," he said mysteriously and pulled something outside of his pocket. It was a small black box, and Shion instantly knew what was inside. She took it, looked at it for a few seconds and then put it back into his pocket, unopened.

"I know that I should be all happy," she said. "Female socialization should compel me to shriek with joy and throw myself into your arms. But things have happened that have changed me, and I can't feel like that. Sorry."

"You're just saying that to make me beg for weeks," chaos shook his head. "Shion, I _know_ you…"

"No, it's not like that. What's in it for you, anyway? Surely you've married dozens of times."

"In fact, I have not. I'd been carefully staying away from creating bonds that close. It would be too sad to watch your wife and your children die. But now that our life span is roughly equal, and so normally human, I'm overcome with desire to start a family."

Shion bit her lip.

"Be as it may," she said. "But I don't want artificial promises that something is going to last. All these rings and rituals are absurd and laughable. Do you know what they say at such ceremonies? Until death do us part, blah blah blah. Empty words. I don't need words. I don't need promises. In this world, _anyone_ can say _anything_."

"It's ironic," chaos said. "That I'm at my most romantic when you're at your least. We truly have traded places."

"My fixation on you was unhealthy," Shion said. "I believed I could feel nothing but misery without love, but U-DO showed me differently. I know we did the right thing, however relative the 'rightness' of it was… We did what we needed to do, and I have no regrets. And I need no eternal love and no one's approval to know that."

Chaos smiled and stroked her hair. There was indeed no way that after what Shion went through she'd still need to seek mental strength in illusions.

"You've changed," he said. "But isn't that great! Now you follow your own desires and opinions, putting them above those of the others'. And you don't need to earn someone's love to feel good about yourself."

"Was it all about low self-esteem?" Shion shook her head. "The search for 'true love' being a method to raise it? I'm loved, so I must be better than a piece of crap? That sounds so lame and unreliable…"

"But this is so human, to seek a remedy from pain in something detrimental. Seeking love works, but it makes one dependent on another human being's feelings and moods. It's best to depend on yourself."

"Spoken by an expert in isolation who stayed away from others for millennia," Shion winked. "Preferring to do some kind deeds for the humanity as a whole, rather than for someone close in particular... I honestly can't decide what I think of it. Was that wrong or right?"

"Relative," chaos said. "By staying away, I spared myself the pain of losing others. But staying away didn't make me happy, either. It was lonely."

"Lonely how?"

"Say, I'd come back from another mission from the Kukai Foundation and with a heap of money. I couldn't share that money with somebody else, and it felt lonely to spend it for my own vacation. Or I'd cook something nice and feel lonely sitting down alone to eat it. No matter what I did for humanity as a whole, there were still small personal things I had that I wanted to share with others, in a more personal way. Living for oneself isn't as great as people believe it to be. A simple need for companionship is always there."

"Oh, I can understand _that_. But surely there are people who don't feel like that."

"Maybe, but those would be emotionally stunted people…"

"I don't know about that..."

Chaos hugged Shion tight. She closed her eyes, feeling peaceful. The idea to have children with chaos was vaguely appealing, but she wouldn't do that unless she knew for certain she wanted it for herself. Even if she'd end up losing him in the process of hesitation. It was freeing to put her own wishes in front of his. Were this conversation to happen earlier, she'd have most likely agreed at once, out of fear to lose him.

"I don't really want kids," Shion finally said. "Maybe later, who knows. I have KOS-MOS and Abel for now."

As if on cue, Abel opened the balcony door. He carried a piece of paper that he handed to Shion mutely.

She looked at it. Pink waves. She gasped. Ah, no, he merely remembered them, it could not be a real message from U-DO. Among the waves, letters were sloppily drawn that read: "Even with all your flaws, insecurities, confusion, and fears, human beings are amazing. Maybe even because of them. I had a great time being around such complex creatures. Farewell."

"You're welcome," Shion whispered. "And thank you for all that you've done for us."

It made her both happy and miserable to receive these few words from U-DO.

"Don't feel sad." Chaos grabbed her hand tight.

"It's alright. This is the essence of life: loss is a natural part of it."

But she gripped his hand back.

Theirs was a pure relationship now: no neediness, no dependence, just a pure joy to have each other's companionship. After a superficial crush, after a deeper love that was full of a need to be loved back, Shion finally had something precious and beautiful. A free contact of two souls who loved each other not for what they needed or for what they represented, but merely for each other's company. That was the beauty of unconditional love.

"Shion, come out!" Jin's voice called. "Kevin left to look for you in the corridor!"

She giggled, amused.

Kevin still had a crush on her, but his misery, too, was a natural part of life. It was not in her power to make everybody in this world happy.

Abel turned his back to her and left the balcony, staring vacantly into space. The boy was autistic, and his plight, too, was a natural part of life. There was no cruelty in that, only humble acceptence. Good and bad, everything was as it should be. Everything was the only way it could be.

Chaos kissed Shion lightly, and she felt happy and pleased. That, too, was a natural part of life. For feeling happy while others were miserable was what people did every day across the universe. Nothing would ever be good for everybody at once or bad for everybody at once. And it was natural, too. Billions of lives in this universe, existing beyond good and evil, confused and imperfect creatures, fragile and fleeting like the passage of wind, they were the ones who made their world beautiful. In its own tremendously flawed, tremendously sublime way.


End file.
